An Air Force officer's wife having three children is a rarity. At parties, I am used to the ‘don't-tell-me' expression on the faces of friends. This astounded expression soon changes to one of sympathy. I am sure; the ever-increasing tribe of single-child-mothers takes me for an outdated woman from a non-contraceptive era. With a mix of pity and disbelief in their eyes, they seem to be too eager to hear the usual story of the unplanned, unexpected, out of the blue stork. I clarify that in reality, it was quite the contrary, as we wanted a baby girl after two sons (read brats). All eyes pop out further when they are told that all three are siblings from the same set of parents!
At social gatherings, the woes of single-child parents pour in unabated. Sleepless nights, the cholic, the weaning, and the starting of solid food. Another bewailed on how tiring it was to be on one's toes the whole day or how she's still dealing with the post-delivery depression. A third one would lament on pre-schooling and the unending homework. The list of misery would go on and on… I always felt the odd one out and was at a loss of words, as my problems compounded three times more than what these ladies were experiencing. But by uttering anything I would only be adding to the existing confusion, so I often ended up as a silent spectator.
I know I must be sounding a bit conceited but, over the years, I have turned my awkwardness into advantage. I have learnt the art of reverting the spotlight of conversation on to me. Very cleverly at an opportune moment, I butt in and say ‘I beg to differ'. There is a sudden silence — a pregnant pause. Nonchalantly, I tell them how easy and effortless it was bringing up my three children. It takes no time for the sympathetic and unbelieving look to change into one of awe and wonder. By now they look upon me like a born agony-aunt, a miracle lady, a walking encyclopaedia with solutions to all their problems. I bask in this new-found elevated status and dole out advice after advice trying hard to look like a supermom.
I tell them how wise it is to have three closely born children. How the bottle-sterilising, night-long vigils and nappy-washing — all finish in one go and then you are free. I tell them how I cut costs with one pram, one walker and one tricycle which were hand-me-downs from one child to the other. Not to mention the clothes, books, shoes and the free third haircut on every two!
Bragging about what a hands-on-mother I was, I told them how I encouraged competition between the three so that there was always a child trying to finish off his food quicker than the other two. I would dangle the carrot saying the one who sits quietly will get to watch his favourite cartoon; or the one who sleeps early would get a solo ride on the bike; or the one who behaves himself in a party will be privileged to sleep between mummy and papa; or the one who finishes his homework can go out to play first; or the one who puts away his toys would be the last to get a bath! Trying to look the know-all-grand-dame of maternity, I bragged about travelling alone by train with three toddlers on tow to join my husband, who was on long detachments to either Leh or Guwahati.
Gathering adulation from my awestruck audience, I go on about how fortunate my next-door single-child couple felt to have me as a neighbour. Their spoilt, stubborn, pampered, unyielding brat is often sent to my home, to be trained in manners, etiquettes and team-spirit. I made my home sound like a mini-creche where the neighbourhood kids got their first lessons in finishing their milk, eating on their own or just sitting quietly. My conquest was complete when my listeners came to know that I was a contented stay-at-home mother of three, who never missed going out for work. I made them realise how narrowly they have missed the bus for becoming the proud parents of three. I don't forget to remind them of all the sophisticated star-couples like Brangelina and Beckhams, who have opted for the three-kid formula.
It is strange how for so many years, inadvertently, I made the trials and tribulations of bringing up three children sound like a cake-walk and the coolest thing to do on earth. I am glad that this bravado has helped me forget all the harrowing days of cub-fights, infections, inoculations and hairpulling. Amazing, how I can smile at all the years of vegetating self-doubt, and tears of sheer helplessness. I truly believe that being a busy mother of three were the most thrilling years of my life.
(The author teaches English at Army School, Varanasi. Her email id is:bhanumish9@gmail.com)
Keywords: parenting, single-child parents
A very nice article mrs mishra, keep up the good work and hope to read your more articles in future ahead.Thank You
I have three sons - a mite different from Dr. Mishra's! Elder son and later twin sons - with a two year gap. It was as if we were raising triplets. The early difficulties and worries melted away when they started growing up. We used to encourage them to decide among themselves how they would like to divide computer time, sharing housework like cleaning the table after lunch/dinner, washing and polishing the shoes, ironing school uniforms, who would go for bath first, and such like. They adopted the 'rock-paper-scissors' methodology to decide and I found it amusing that they would stick by the decision without any hard feelings. Now they are adults and we need to learn to keep close to them and at the same time not to be too intrusive. That is what we are trying our best to adapt to. A good article, Dr. Mishra. I called up most of my relatives to ask them to read it and connected with you very well.
Surely Ms Mishra is giving the best of her experiences to motivate all mothers that bringing up children is not that tough. Before us and after us also there will be Parents who will pitch in to bringup their children even after high costs, higher educations bills etc, which are part of LIFE. Hence please Lets all endeavour to have a practical and enthusiastic Life as example for others. and lets not talk of population explosion etc. as single child are prone to have loneliness when they grow up and dont have siblings to share their happy and sad moments in Life.
In a country with 1.18 billion people we are talking joys of bringing in/up of more people. In a report by a British Organization reported in The Hindu sometime ago each individual in a developed nation consumes 158 times more resources than his counterpart in Ethiopia. Current day middle class Indian consumes almost as many resources. In India no body talks about adoption. In USA and other developed nations many people adopt people from developing nations just to have the joy of bringing up more kids. India definitely has kids in dire need of adoption.
Hi Dr.Bhanumathi,
I found your article very interesting and practical. Though having a third child is prerogative/ choice of the couple, you have wonderfully brought out in a very positive and pleasant manner about bringing up three kids and your article makes it so enjoyable. In fact, the thought of bringing up three kids as being a big hassle is all in one's head; a positive attitude and clear intent of putting in intelligent-committed work will see a home-maker, or for that matter even a working lady, successfully through any situation.
Wishing you both and your three darlings the best of life.
Sir,
The author has said that a busy mother of three were a thrilling year her life. It may ring true. What about the couples who had more than three children? Their lives should be more a thrilling to them? But on the contrary it is the other way round.
In these of of high cost of living begetting and bringing up three or more children is considered a burden. If it happens to be three daughters in a row - since girl child is considered a liability in today's environment - then the sufferings of the parents could better be imagined than described. Giving them good food, education and et. all are out of reach of an average middle class family. In a middle class family where both the parents are employees then paying attention to bring their the kids gains lesser importance. So a small family norm is being adopted to by the average middle class in our country, who form part of the majority of the population in our country where the annual income of a family is less than a lakh of rupees per annum.. Family with "one child" or two have come into existence. . Satisfaction can also be gained by bringing one child or two children. They are also paid attention in food, good education, clothing and all. Begetting three are more children will also cause population explosion there by draining the available earth resources. Contention does not consist in things, but in thoughts.
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