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Some people go through your life like lightning. They light it up briefly with their quicksilver presence, and then whoosh … they're gone, just like that.
Leaving you behind dazzled and dazed with grief, struggling to make sense of what happened. Because there is no closure, oh no … only questions, unasked and forever unanswered. Questions that swirl into the mists of “what ifs”, “whys', and “if onlys”.
That's how I feel every time I think of a former colleague who killed herself.
She was bold and beautiful, spunky and sassy. She was bright and witty and silver-tongued. Yet she left without saying a word.
Yet all I have to do today, in this hyper connected world we live in, is tap on her name. Doing that always leaves me feeling both utterly intrusive and incredibly sad. Because with a click and a tap, there she is again, smiling at me from Facebook. And there they are—her pictures, her emojis, her silly posts, happy posts, her characteristic witticisms. All there. A poignant painful reminder of what might have been, of a brief life that ended too soon. And always, I ask myself — why oh why, did she do this? Why didn't she reach out? Why did she have to bear her pain alone?
And then a thought occurs that troubles me more—is it that we look but don't see a loved one, a colleague or a friend, in pain. To my everlasting shame, though I was “friends” with that colleague on Facebook, I never bothered to stay in touch, never asked her how she was doing. And now it is too late.
All of us spend countless hours each day online. Sharing both the mundane and the extraordinary. Posting about everything and anything. In fact, in this increasingly “social” world of ours, we are constantly and instantly connected to one another, regardless of time and space. Yet, in real life, more and more young people (like my former colleague) are choosing to commit the most isolating act of all. Alone.
So, does that mean that, despite all this connectedness, we are more distant from one another in our day to day lives in the real world? That is what Massachusetts Institute of Technology social psychologist Sherry Turkle says in her book Alone Together. She notes “… people who choose to devote large portions of their time to connecting online are more isolated than ever in their non-virtual lives, leading to emotional disconnection, mental fatigue and anxiety.” Turkle, of course, is referencing life in the USA. But is it also happening to us in our urban lives, in our virtual islands of connectivity?
Last year, a World Health Organisation study noted that “India has the highest suicide rate in the world for the 15-to-29 age group. This is the age group that is also very “socially” active online especially in our cities. (Internet connectivity is not so high in rural india). In fact, in the the past few months, Bangalore alone has seen a spate of shocking suicides — where young people in their early to mid-20s have plummeted to their deaths from high rises. Sadly enough, all were young people who were very active online. In fact, one young man's Instagram feed shows a trek in the Western Ghats that went with the hashtag #fightingforlife. Yet two months after he posted that photo, the young man chose to end his life. Newspaper reports said he was distraught over his mother's death from cancer.
Reading about him always leaves me extremely disturbed. Why, I think every time, oh why, did this young man who traversed mountains in the Western Ghats, not fight for his own life?
Was he battling demons inside? And did that desperation lead him to this final act?
Truth is, only a fraction of those who suffer from mental illness actually seek help. In fact, Mumbai-based psychiatrist Dr Anjali Chhabria tells me that “more than 90% of people who take their own life have at least one and often more than one treatable mental illness such as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia. Alcohol and drug abuse are also considered most frequent risk factors for suicidal behavior, ” she adds.
Unfortunately, even if you are familiar with mental illness or have experienced moments of extreme vulnerability yourself, you may still not recognise it in others. Aditi Surendra, a young graphic designer and writer in Bangalore, found that out in the most painful way possible. A good friend of hers killed himself. Aditi herself has been vocal online and offline about her struggles with depression, anxiety and panic attacks. She has even brought out a booklet on common mental health conditions. But she tells me she had no idea how troubled her friend was. “He used to be the happiest guy. All of us friends knew he had issues but his death was a terrible shock,” she adds quietly.
Why is it that young people dealing with tough times are often unable to talk about it? Is it fear of ridicule that leads them to suffer in silence? And what, in turn, does that imply about their relationships with their immediate family, their loved ones?
That's not all. Even if you don't have a treatable illness, social media can often leave you disturbed and anxious. Sometimes for reasons that can seem too trivial to even talk about.
Take my own experiences with social media anxiety, for instance. Last year, I went through a phase when, seeing my seemingly successful peers constantly gush about their super-successful lives, their awesome families/girlfriend/boyfriend, their super vacations, their beautiful children, or even their newest smartphone/car/house, left me profoundly low. The fact is, viewing such posts everyday can have a marked effect on self esteem. Why do you think “Facebook depression” is considered an actual disorder now. Trust me, the posts left me feeling so bad about myself that, I ultimately “unfollowed” some friends. Not seeing those happy-awesome posts makes me feel better, to be honest. But I also know that what I read online is not always the whole truth. That, sometimes, people who constantly post about their happiness or their amazing successes are perhaps in need of some help themselves.
But mix some innate vulnerabilities to social media anxiety, unrealistic expectations and harsh realities, and you end up with a toxic cocktail. Delhi-based Aparna Samuel Balasundaram, a life skills expert and psychotherapist, tells me that many young people, are simply unable to deal with disappointments, failures, and tough times. They are also often torn between following personal aspirations and abiding by their families' wishes. “Thanks to social media, they see their peers achieve instant fame (for developing an app that goes viral, or for setting up a successful start-up, so on). Naturally, they too want that for themselves. But if that level of fame doesn't happen instantly, they cannot deal with it,” Aparna observes.
Trouble starts when they are unable to talk about these problems. And worse, sometimes you and I don't see the pain or the tears or the struggle. Till it is too late.
Perhaps if we open up more about our own issues, we will learn to understand; not undermine, but lend unconditional support. But then the best way to really do that is to meet face to face, and talk heart to heart. To read signals and emotions that you and I can miss in a message or a Facebook post.
What often happens today, most unfortunately, is that we turn our smart phone status to “available”. But by doing that, we switch off from what is happening around us. At times, we don't even see what is going on with those around us.
Perhaps it is now time to re-examine our realities and relationships.
Perhaps it is time to look up from our smart phones. So that we are able to listen or well, simply be there for a loved one. Or friend. Or colleague.
Perhaps then, those we love and care about, won't light up our lives briefly only to disappear like lightning.
Maybe, just maybe, we will not then be left behind to grapple with all those unanswered questions and “whys” and “what ifs” and “if onlys”, wafting in the wind.
