The Covid-19 pandemic has gone viral in a way that has even the Faisus of the world sick with envy, but given that most influencers aren’t really more gifted than microscopic vermin, this would have been an easy feat for this cell-sized organism. The scare, however, is real and you know I know that when it is well past 10 am and I still haven’t picked out a watch and Eau de Toilette to wear for the day. While complete order hasn’t entirely been disrupted, even I was shocked when I admittedly pondered about not bothering with trousers — as I could simply wear a formal tuck-in shirt over pyjamas and get by swimmingly. Dark times indeed. As the lockdown nears its end, here are a few of my Corona peeves.
1. Social media: It was supposed to be a respite, the oasis to retract to when one wanted to be social minus the physical proximity or face-to-face awkwardness. But with Zoom and WhatsApp, people are invading my living room from the comfort of theirs, which means I can’t even ask them to leave or, as I’d prefer, throw them out. The only good bit about online meet-ups, these ingrates don’t get to scrounge any alcohol off me.
2. Photoshop throwback: I always forget how fragile the populace is today. With salons shut, people’s looks are reverting to how they were originally meant to look and there is no Insta-filter to remove that massive blemish, aka face. So what we have is everyone asking each other to post old photos again. And they are calling it a ‘Challenge’! Worst yet, others accept it with no less pride than a valiant Roman gladiator. Talk about lowering the achievement bar.
3. Challenges : From asking me to draw a carrot or an orange to doing some stupid push-up set or an idiotic dance, why can’t people learn to not just physically and socially but also mentally isolate? Read a book or Netflix, I don’t care. And stop calling these ‘challenges’. But if you really want one, here you go: I challenge you to sit quietly, without a word, verbal or typed, to anyone, not even to yourself, for 48 hours. And then, tag yourself and do it all over again!
4. WhatsApp videos : From conspiracy theories to quack remedies, WhatsApp is the breeding ground for made-up news. What’s worse is the amount of intelligence people apply before feeling the irrepressible need to share them. What we have, consequently, is more junk and spam flying in the virtual void. This has been the least productive of weeks and yet my phone memory is running out. It is so bad I almost miss the random call-centre folk with their rote offers for personal loans and insurance.
5. Social i solation : For a population where an outing for two means bringing the driver, nanny and Man Friday along, being expected to do your own dishes, cooking, laundry and ironing is a sped-up life sentence. I love what Reebok and Under Armour are doing with their online workout videos. But by the time I am done scrubbing floors and making beds, I am too pooped to bother with anything. I have never been so jobless and yet so tired in my life. So Under Armour it is for physical fitness and routine chores for the much-needed mental grounding that us Indians need.
6. Sense of achievement: With nothing to accomplish and nowhere to flaunt it, people of all genders are resorting to odd-mods — from growing beards to self-inflicted hair cuts and becoming self-styled chefs — and then putting it out there, seeking approval and appreciation. And the new mantra is to go live: whether you interview someone or just rant, everybody is the star of their own feature presentation. Even Andy Warhol couldn’t have imagined that 15 minutes of fame would become as common as a cold.
