As the big, fat Punjabi wedding gains popularity even in regions beyond the northern State, it is fascinating to read in the Gazetteer for Haryana’s Gurgaon district, penned in 1910, how simple the entire affair was back then.
The ball is set rolling, says the writer, Samuel T. Weston, with the betrothal. “The father of the girl sends his family barber and priest, or if he be a Musalman, his musician (marasi) to search among the families of his acquaintance for a boy who will be a suitable match.” If there is a prima facie compatibility, their horoscopes are compared. That apart, no public inquiry is made (“but the women find out among themselves” also). And if the stars coalesce, two similar envoys are dispatched to the boy's house where the proposal is formalised by placing some sweets in the boy's mouth.
“Betrothal can take place at any age after birth. The commonest age is from 5 to 7,” writes Weston, “and few children are not betrothed before the age of 13.”
Marriages usually took place between the ages of seven and 13. The girl's father would send his suggestion for the date for the nuptials to the boy's family through the same couriers as earlier. The confirmation is accompanied by “one rupee or more in cash and other presents or symbols such as betel nuts, a coconut, a coloured thread, etc., for the boy and his relations.”
The Gazetteer continues, “The boy and the girl are for several days before the marriage rubbed over with a mixture of oil, turmeric and flour to purify them.” This is followed by a feast at the boy’s place where relatives give contributions to meet the marriage expenses. Next comes the wedding itself.
“After the boy's father has made presents to the family priest, and the barber and to the boy's sisters and their husbands, the priest puts a necklace of yellow beads around the boy's neck and makes a caste mark on his forehead. After being garlanded the boy mounts a horse and the party starts off in as a grand procession as the means of the two families permit. At this stage the boy's sister seizes the bridle of the horse and makes a show of stopping it, receiving a small present as an inducement to allow her brother to proceed. On arrival at the outskirts of the girl’s village the procession halts and sends word of their arrival by the family barber to the girl's father. The latter sends refreshments by his barber and later arrives himself with his relations, when an elaborate exchange of presents take place.”
That done, “the boy is taken to the threshold of the girls' house, and on dismounting, strikes the toran (a small wooden frame suspended over the door) with the branch of a tree. The girl's mother, sister or other near female relatives then measure him with a string and perform the drata ceremony, by waving around his head a tray containing a lump of flour and melted butter with other things.”
Though Weston's description covers largely the Hindu customs, in the area that constitutes south Haryana today there was much similarity in many of the practices of different communities. What is remarkable is the meticulous detail of the narration by the English scribe.
Then comes the description of the pheras — seven in all around the sacred fire — which is pretty much what is in vogue today. At the kanyadan “the father states that he gives his daughter so and so as a virgin to so and so, and the bridegroom accepts the offer by saying swast.”
Then follow the oaths recited in Sanskrit, which list their respective duties and responsibilities. The groom has to, among other things, consult his wife in bargains about cattle and supply her with “jewellery, food and clothes according to season” and swear not to ill-treat her in the presence of other women! The girl’s duties include: obey her husband, not go her parents' house without his consent and, once there, not return until sent for.
After the ceremony is over and the dowry presented, the marriage procession, including the bride this time, returns to the groom’s village.
There are more ceremonies in store for the couple, but after a few days the girl returns to her father’s home, and goes back to her husband only after attaining puberty.
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