Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you couldn’t have remained inured to the trouble posed by the two-, three- and four-wheelers on the road. And now, the Bangalore Traffic Police have tried in their usual charming manner to warn you of possibly the most serious threat to your safety on the roads yet.
No. It isn’t the IS. It’s far more sinister, as it shifts shape into something vaguely human. Something that only recently acquired the ‘rights’ (alas!) and has recently been spotted straying from its natural habitat.
Yes, women. We’re referring to you. In most advertisements you are portrayed with the kind of glamour that will be anyone’s envy. Surrounded by white goods, cooking masalas, jewellery (or maybe just drooling over it). Or worse, as seen in in Matrimonial and Insurance advertisements, wondering how you’d marry off your daughters. Clearly, you’re living the life on the big and small screen. And you don’t even know it.
Look at you here in this particular poster. Do you even know what driving is? Couldn’t you use your ‘womanly intuition’? Why, why did you call up your husband and ask him to pick up groceries for his dinner? Didn’t you ever think your misplaced priorities could one day make your husband and his car part of some urban landfill?
Look at your understanding of technology, too. All you’ve got is surprise as blood comes splattering out of your phone? You’re not even worth the kitchen equipment firm that is sponsoring this poster.
One other poster that features a woman on the phone speaking to a man in a car reads: “She could have killed the conversation. Instead, she killed her husband.”
These posters are out there for a reason. Women have come out in hordes, seemingly hijacking automobiles to get to their irrelevant destinations. And as you can see, it’s keeping these honourable and dedicated traffic authorities up all night. While they’re collecting spot fines anyway.
Another of the posters reads: “Driving stupid can really make you look bad.”
And as yet another poster that features a woman driver shows, the new generation is no different. You’re all talk, no sass.
All you ever had to do was go to college in your sanskaari patialas , somehow steal a degree despite your naturally inferior mental capacities, and spend all your spare time losing weight. You know what I mean. First impressions are all that matter. Why have your perfectly manicured fingers fiddle with these alien ‘gears’?
Just look at the girl in yet another of the poster pictures. The scar on your face may be shaped like a crescent moon. But oh you poor little thing. With that, there’s no honeymoon coming anytime soon. Forget first aid, we need to get here some foundation for that bruise. And keep her off Facebook/Snapchat for a while. At least until Photoshop can teach her the value of airbrushing and contrast. Hey, maybe there’s an artistic lining to that cut!
Yet another poster reads: “Break up the call before you break up your family.”
As one of the posters clearly shows, a woman is so depraved she doesn’t spare her own children even. While she is spotted eagerly turning around to pamper them here, this woman clearly does not know the threat she poses. We all know that call she’s on couldn’t be ‘business’. Why? Because she’s a woman for crying out loud.
She had absolutely no part in creating this family, as they individually exited her. She thinks she creates lives. What conceit. She ends them.
Also, don’t think the Bangalore Police haven’t tried helping you ungrateful wretches earlier. Remember ‘eve-teasing’? They created that term for you. Forget that it still continues. Recognition is what matters.
Remember groping, cat-calling and what you call ‘harassment’? That’s just appreciation of your only asset: Beauty. Be grateful for that time you spend in the eye of the beholder. And sometimes in his hands as well.
Remember chain-snatching? You know that clichéd thing that happens to 40-year-old ‘aunties’? They’ve got a solution for that too. So, one poster reads: “Don’t become a victim. Be safe at home.” You heard it. Stay at home. Maybe watch yourself on CCTV, you self-obsessed twat. If anyone still enters, Atithi Devo Bhava. You probably left the door unlocked.
The only reason this keeps happening to you, foolish women, is that you ‘expose’ yourselves. You trust too easily. You dare to feel ‘safe’. At home, at your workplace, at bus stands, parks, pubs and most of all, on the road. You choose to be the victim. And now you direct your murderous glances at men in their own domain. Why do you want to watch the world burn?
You’d think Road Safety was simple. Stop at red, go at green. It simply isn’t.
