What if Mr. Mathrubootham grows a moustache?

Ok fine Kamalam, no need for all this mono-acting and speech. Agreed

May 30, 2020 04:56 pm | Updated May 31, 2020 11:28 am IST

Dear Madam/ Sir,

Suddenly one thought came two-three days back without warning as if Prime Minister suddenly coming on TV wearing muffler.

Already you are thinking, oho, old man is having thoughts. Everybody in The Hindu office assemble with two metres distance. Old man is getting one new idea. Semma comedy 100% guarantee. Come one, come all.

Madam/ Sir, other people’s life tragedy is just comedy for you. And now you’re thinking why can’t Mathru tell story quickly, no need for Socrates philosophy and all. Ok fine. Listen.

Two-three days back I was sitting in living room and arranging all DVDs properly. Madam/ Sir, different-different people are having different-different talent and speciality. Salman Rushdie is writing books that everybody is buying nobody is reading. In Dr. Shankaramenon’s house one copy of Midnight’s Children is there in bookshelf next to TV. It is sitting there since 30-40 years. What is Madhavan specialty? Acting and acting like anything but any talent? One giant zero. Even I can take photo without shirt. It is not talent. What is Suhasini speciality? Suhasini speciality is that everything is her speciality. Talent means that is talent.

So, what is Mr. Mathrubootham speciality? So many specialities are there, Madam/ Sir. One whole newspaper only is needed. Just being frank. Don’t take it wrong. But one super specialty is arrangement of DVDs. Sometimes I will arrange by war: World War, Vietnam War, Korean War, Cold War, etc. Sometimes I will arrange by actor: Bruce Willis, Clint Eastwood, Michael Caine, Mohanlal, Suhasini Young, Suhasini Medium, Suhasini Old etc.

But two-three days back I thought I will arrange by topic: Detective, Military, Didn’t Understand Anything, etc. So slowly I am taking out all DVDs and then arranging when I suddenly found DVD of superhit British TV show Poirot starring David Suchet. I looked at the cover and like thunder and lightning one idea came.

“Kamalam, Kamalam, I have one idea,” I said. Immediately response came from dining room: “Absolutely no chance, I reject the idea.”

“But Kamalam I have not even said what idea it is.” She said, “Last 40 years I am hearing your ideas. So far total number of good ideas is zero.”

“What about my idea for growing cactus in balcony so that even if I am forgetting to pour water it will grow?”

“Where is cactus now,” she asked. I said, “By mistake AC fell on top of cactus, is it my fault?”

“Who tried to repair AC himself,” she asked.

“Kamalam, let us agree to disagree. Do you want to listen to new idea?”

She said, absolutely no. I said, “Okay, let me tell you. I thought I will grow moustache.”

Immediately Mrs. M came running out of dining room. “If you grow moustache I will immediately on the spot divorce you,” she said. “Last so many years I have suffered many things quietly. Two years you wore bell bottoms. I said anything? No. Then you purchased one Yezdi motorcycle that is making more noise than Arnab Goswami. I said anything? No. Because no use. You lost hearing for two years because of motorcycle. In 1991 you purchased Bullworker exercise machine. Then what happened? You tried to do exercise and ended up unconscious. Mathrubootham, last and final warning. If you grow moustache means divorce divorce divorce.”

Madam/ Sir, what I did? I said, “Ok fine Kamalam, no need for all this mono-acting and speech. Agreed. No moustache.”

But I will tell you truth? I am secretly growing moustache. Let us see what will happen. Don’t tell anybody.

Yours in secrecy,

J. Mathrubootham

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