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Go, Corona, go: The land of the holy cow shall not be cowed down by a virus

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First of all, I want to thank all 130 crore of my fellow Indians for expressing their gratitude to me last Sunday. It was amazing. At a personal level, as someone who has been striving day and night to combat the superstitions around the COVID-19 pandemic, I was deeply touched by your appreciation, and positively infected by your enthusiasm.

As soon as I stepped into my Wuhan-facing balcony at 5 p.m., the entire nation erupted in thunderous applause, thanking me for my selfless service at this critical time. Not only were people clapping, ringing bells, and clanging kadais, many courageous souls also took out a procession, cocking a snook at coronavirus. I think this was very much needed, and I can’t emphasise enough the significance of sending out a strong message to all our enemies: the land of the holy cow shall not be cowed down by a virus.

Unfortunately, while most Indians got the symbolism behind the gesture, far too many remain ignorant of the science behind the 5 p.m. plate-banging. First of all, as renowned vedic microbiologist Vijay Dinanath Chauhan pointed out in a tweet, March 22 was Amavasya, the darkest day of the month. This was the day when the evil force of the SARS CoV-2 virus was at its peak. And that’s precisely why it was a complete masterstroke by our PM to get the entire country to do Thali Bajao. As per line 28, chapter 56, verse 112 of the Rig Veda, the vibrations thus produced would considerably weaken the virus since the moon was, at that very moment, passing to the Revathi nakshatra.

Miraculous properties

Moreover, even without any virus threat, clapping, conch-blowing, and utensil-hitting are known to improve blood circulation, enhance digestion, and increase your attractiveness, not just to the opposite sex but the entire spectrum of LGBTQIA+. So I request everyone to stop advertising their ignorance by criticising the #Thali Bajao PR campaign.

Now let me come to the main point. Having done more than any other expert to spread authentic information about COVID-19, I recognise the importance of timely communication packed with the right kind of content. So I shall take this opportunity to dispel the other big myths around the pandemic and inculcate the correct mindset among my brothers and sisters so that, together, we can present our beloved leader with the ultimate gift: a resounding victory over coronavirus.

Myth #1: It is the government’s responsibility to protect you from COVID-19.

Fact: It is actually your responsibility to protect the government’s image from COVID-19.

Explanation: Please understand that you are not in Scandinavia. You are living in the world’s largest democracy, which means it is the responsibility of every citizen to protect the image of the leaders whom they have wilfully voted to power. Our beloved leader has already spoken to each one of you more than once in the past 10 days, that too on national television. He has explained everything. So instead of asking 10,000 questions – why aren’t we testing more, where is protective gear for doctors, what are the poor going to do, etc. – use your pranic energy to convince the virus to stop acting like a Pakistan-funded terrorist. Pick up a thali, grab a karandi, and keep banging the former with the latter while chanting the cosmic mantra, “Go, Corona, go!” until either the thali breaks or Corona goes.

Myth #2: The government has imposed a lockdown in order to stop the spread of the virus.

Fact: The lockdown is to help you know thyself.

Explanation: “All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone,” noted the 17th-century French mathematician Blaise Pascal. If what Pascal said was theory, the past week in India has been the ‘practicals’. We’ve all had to sit quietly in a room, alone. This is that rare moment in history when you can make a lasting contribution to your species, prove yourself a patriot, and win points for being selfless and civic-minded by doing what you want to do every single day of your life but can’t: stay in bed all day.

That’s not all. This lockdown is the starting point of an adventurous journey of self-discovery. I know of people who buy expensive tickets to go and do in a Cambodian monastery what anyone can now do sitting at home: contemplate the meaning of life.

In fact, I’ve reason to believe that most coronaviruses are motivated by nothing more than a desire to see all of humanity practise dynamic meditation. “Know thyself”, said Plato. Now is your chance to spend some quality time with yourself. What’s more, you can do so without loss of pay. Make the most of it.

Myth #3: You are being urged to wash your hands frequently because soap kills the virus.

Fact: Washing your hands frequently helps you appreciate how your government resolves every problem.

Explanation: Rinse and repeat.

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Printable version | Apr 21, 2021 11:01:19 AM |

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