Life Hacks from Agony Akka Columns

Hue and cry

Illustration: Satheesh Vellinezhi  

Dear Agony Akka,

My native is Patna and I am having State government job in department of education since two years. I have saved money to buy a scooter. Nobody in my family is having one and I will be first one to get. But second wave has come, so we are waiting for few more weeks before purchase. I went with wife to showroom and we selected one nice green colour scooter because both of us are liking that colour only. But now I am having doubts. Culture Minister is saying too much green means anti-national. I have already done the booking. Wife has also bought one matching sari for first ride. Should I cancel and rebook? Should I continue?

— Confused and Nervous

Dear CAN,

Can you buy a green scooter? Yes, you can. May you buy a green scooter? Yes, you may. Should you buy a green scooter? Unh-uh.

Such a situation is called dharam sankat — it was always happening to the characters in the wonderful TV serials Mahabharata and Ramayana. I used to watch each and every episode without fail. Unfortunately, flash of light will not come from heaven and reveal the path for you like in serial. Now, I am only flash of light for people like you with queries.

Luckily, I am in a good position to answer because green is my favourite colour. Also red, black, yellow, and magenta but green is very favourite. Like how in multi-starrer movies many heroes are there, like that. But problem is bigger — we don’t know which exact green is offending our Culture Minister. Olive green, parrot green, lime, emerald, pistachio, moss green, mint green, which will indicate anti-national culture and which will indicate agriculture, that is the question.

Whether we should eschew all greens altogether from our palette? That is a very good and possible solution. What to do with national flag then? Like Parliament House and Central Vista, we can redesign it, no problem. There are many colours in universe, we need not be fixated on green. It only gives a chance to Delhi CM and paddy fields to reveal their true colours.

But rainbow also has green. Can you imagine it? Who would have thought that Nehru would have slyly infiltrated the atmosphere and embedded green colour in rainbow also? From then itself he was nursing appeasement tendencies in his bosom and it grew and grew until one day we woke up and found the offensive green colour everywhere, from molai keerai to mint cooler and, of course, in Kejriwal background, as the Culture Minister astutely noticed.

Today, like famous dialogue from Hollywood film, we are forced to say, ‘Hueston, we have a problem’. And the only solution appears to be a complete design overhaul of heaven, earth and nether world so that we can eliminate all offending elements such as green colour, puncture shops, protesting farmers, Kangana tweets etc, etc — deep household cleaning as they say. If only we had suitable Urban Clap service for this also all our problems would be solved. I am sure one or two IIT-IIM graduates are reading this and already planning app or unicorn or reindeer. Like this only all my life I help other people to become millionaires while I go on living simple life of sacrifice.

You please be smart and graduate quickly from scooter to car to Antilia. When scooter arrives, paint white stripes on it. It will still match wife’s sari and there won’t be predominance of green to offend Culture Minister. It is good to dye for the country.


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Printable version | Jul 27, 2021 11:25:32 PM |

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