Infallible interpretation of social media, status lines brought to you from years of research on lines and status and the things that people will believe.
Available: Is never available when you call. Will not respond to your message for the next 72 hours. Responds almost instantly to someone else who will make it a point to tell you, ‘But he messaged me back immediately.’ *Especially relevant for teens, and even more especially when it’s your teen.
Busy: Short for: This series I’m binge-watching is unstoppable. Can you bring your urgent work to me tomorrow or next week or something? The murderer could be the wife herself, and how would I live with myself if I didn’t know that, and it will take another seven episodes to find out.
I love Morja: Morja is not her husband. Dog? Ask a mutual friend if she has a dog. Find out if she’s allergic to dog hair. Morja maybe a guru? Or some east European football or tennis player? Find out if Morja is a salon she is promoting. You have now been talked into buying 10k of Morja coupons for an octopus sucker facial. Not sure if that refers to the treatment or to you.
Every day is a new day: Has subscribed to some internet shiny-quote-a-day service. Expect kittens and rainbows soon.
Money is an illusion: Has bought a load of pop philosophy books and is now submerged in various theories from various best-selling authors rolling in the money they insist is an illusion.
Call on my other number: Has no other number. Wants everyone to know that he has, but that they are not important enough to be put on the ‘other number’ list.
Life is temporary: Has goofed up majorly. Is begging someone for forgiveness. Is reminding someone that he may be hit by a car any day. *Cannot use this in Bengaluru, since traffic barely moves, and chances of being hit by a car are fortunately dim.
Super productive day at work: Definitely from/in? Bengaluru, since he has spent three hours in traffic, going to office and another three hours driving back. Has made three presentations, attended two-and-a-half meetings, taken 32 calls and made a mega sale while being stuck in traffic.
Together till we die: Someone terribly in love. Best avoid them unless you are the type who thrives on two hours of how absolutely sugary someone else’s love life is.
Man lives and dies alone: Person above has had a breakup.
Together till we die: Breakup over. Makeup now on.
No status line: A code that’s impossible to break. What a wily person this is — up to no good for sure.
Where Jane De Suza, the author of Happily Never After, talks about the week’s quirks, quacks and hacks.