In her first non-fiction book Status Single: The Truth About Being a Single Woman in India , Sreemoyee Piu Kundu, author of Faraway Music , Sita’s Curse , and You’ve Got the Wrong Girl !, writes of the lives of urban, single women who have lived through struggle, unfair labelling, but have triumphed over every obstacle. “I have a huge fan following on Facebook,” says Sreemoyee as we settle down to chat during a meet-up with the Bengaluru-based women whom she interviewed for her book. “Some would come up to me and pour out their stories on being single, of not finding a place to rent, being humiliated in the arranged marriage market. My agent said there’s a book in there. When I started the book, it was only me, which is why if you read the book you will see every chapter deals with my experience and then there are other voices.”
But considering women have had varied experiences, how did she bring out the essence of each of their stories?
“I spent a year talking to single women. I was on the phone all day talking to them or read lengthy mails. Some women came to meet me because they felt strongly about sharing their stories. We couldn’t take all 3,000 stories. It was hard for me to choose one over the other. In this faux feminist age, where we only look at Bollywood for our feminism, these stories are lived experiences.”
But why is there a communication gap between the genders? To which Sreemoyee replies: When I talk to women they say the same thing: Indian men are lousy at the art of communication. They need a crash course. Because we are always looking for our father in the guy we marry. So what is our father? He’s a guy who doesn’t talk much. He’s a guy who we never see touching our mother. He’s a guy who we never see pour himself a glass of water. He’s a guy who does a nine to five job. He’s a guy who gives you away at the time of marriage. And he never cries. He is always angry. When we also meet men who are different we can’t take it. That’s why I have always said this, as a very strong Feminist, and I am very proud to be one, if we have to win this battle between the sexes we have to realise that battle is not so much against each other but to understand each other. I created a Tinder account to write this book because I had never dated online before. If you see Tinder you will see boys standing in front of a bike with sunglasses on, standing in the gym, smoking. We are not looking for a Brad Pitt. Or you will meet a man who is very religious. I want to treat you like a princess. As a gender binary we are giving out mixed signals to the guys. Indian men don’t know how to be emotional.
At the gathering, a young HR professional who prefers to not be named, spoke of her life as a single, bisexual woman. “I grew up outside the country and there were lots of judgements that I saw which I strongly believe is associated with an Indian society. I am convinced that if we go back to our education system, to what we’re taught and what we are made to believe is right or wrong, judging is embedded in our DNA.”
For a professionally successful Nita (name changed), life as a single woman has been full of challenges. “I meet people with the intention of trying to do something work related. Every time I have gone and met a man, he would always be curious to know if I am married. We were doing a project with a government body for three years and while I worked on that project, I was forced to buy a chain which looked like a mangalsutra. They would invariably ask: So what do you do otherwise? So what does your husband do? I wonder why they are bothered about what my husband does. I have come here to work, not to discuss my personal life. The moment you tell them your story and you say my husband is no more, then a sympathy factor comes into the picture.”
Nita believes mothers need to raise their sons right. “As mothers we have to bring up sons who respect women and daughters. Serials are so regressive, mothers-in- law are dominating, women are getting slapped. And that is what people are watchting every evening!”
Srobona Das speaks of her experience as a single woman and an adoptive parent. “My friend and I started a Facebook page ‘For & Of Heart Babies’ because we felt there was no real space for parents during the adoption journey to connect and support each other. Ever since I adopted my daughter and got her home in 2011, I have been constantly counselling and talking to people, supporting them, guiding them, I realised there has to be something more. There has to be some place where they can connect.”
A lot has changed over the years in adopting laws, some good, some bad, says Srobona. “What is interesting is to see more single mothers stepping forward to adopt. The process is treating them on par with other married couples. The thinking is that a single woman who has a certain income and education and support is as much capable of being an excellent parent as a married couple and that I think is heartening and that is a step forward.”
Status Single is an Amaryllis Publication (an imprint of Manjul Publishing House Pvt. Ltd.)
