I never had a midlife crisis. I was too busy drinking. This caused a variety of crises, but none of them were connected to midlife. I never felt any urge to date younger girls. My wife has always been in my heart, although she did try to run away once or twice when she was much younger, and some sixth sense was warning her that she should get out while there was still time. Now she realises that it’s too late. Even otherwise, I have never tried to get fresh with girls much younger than me. It seems unfair. Here I am, magnetic, intelligent and impossibly handsome. I can even tell jokes. It would be too easy, like taking candy from a child. My innate sense of fairness, yet another attractive feature, prevents me from doing this.
I have not gained weight in midlife. In fact, I’ve lost some, because I had to. After drinking a refreshing glass of Glucon-D every morning for 20 years, making sure that it was nice and cloudy, suddenly I was told I was diabetic. My eating habits have improved since then. I used to be a lot less disciplined.
When I was much younger, I found myself alone one New Year’s Eve, and decided to drown my sorrows in rum balls, generous with the sugar, from Flurys, a famous Calcutta confectionery. If I could finish 12 of them, I thought, it would be an excellent way to ring in the New Year. I would feel a sense of achievement. I took my box of rum balls to my bedroom. I switched on the TV. The Doordarshan New Year programme was on, featuring Bablu and Kanchan. Bablu was playing a Casio keyboard, while Kanchan was doing a gentle bump and grind. All was well. I opened my box of rum balls, filling the room with the aroma of cheap, soggy cardboard. The first rum ball was delicious. The second was also quite good. The third was a bit of a struggle. I gave up halfway through the fourth. Nowadays, I’m not like that. I never have more than two. I’m also less paunchy than I used to be. Sometimes my belly slips, but it’s nothing that a little belt tightening cannot fix.
My hair went grey very early, giving me that distinguished look which you expect from an author. It remains quite thick. Barbers are always very complimentary. On top of everything else, the extra mileage has given me wisdom. It seems inconceivable, yet I seem to have become more intelligent than before. In case you’re approaching midlife, and are worried, you should relax, and learn from me. Keep a bottle handy, and some rum balls, and everything will be fine. Just remember to buy a good belt.
The author’s most recent novel, Murder With Bengali Characteristics , was started when he was still drinking Glucon-D.
