November was a good month topped off with some engaging exchange with young readers and generous expression of resonance from virtual strangers for my inaugural article, “You’re not alone”. Out of all, a particular exchange has stayed with me and I thought I’ll pick up today’s column from there — “Do you think it is necessary to pretend or is it okay not to? In your column you’ve written that quite often than not people pretend to hide their helplessness, fear and doubt. I’m having a tough time comprehending this”!
The question, simple yet earnest, told me that I ought to elaborate further and I flag it off by confirming that I have no judgment on pretence. I have pretended far too often — to feel good or just to get out of an uncomfortable spot. We pretend because there may seem no better recourse on occasions or simply to avoid potential discomfort and disagreement. We also pretend not to draw attention to ourselves; when the invisibility of a collective belonging feels far safer than standing out in our unproven uniqueness. Because sometime not pretending hurts a lot more. In short, we pretend to feel safe in it rather than in the vulnerability of revealing. For ease of reference, I call this situational pretence.
I make a distinction with a more paralysing kind of pretence, where it subsumes a person. This is the kind when frequent recourse to projecting an image and the voyeuristic pleasure of small wins therein becomes addictive.
This is a grey zone where life is enacted around a false self. And hence preludes hurt, delusion and disillusionment.
Let’s explore how pretence manifests as the scourge of ‘fitting in’.
In the adolescent years, as life transitions out of the comfort of familiarity, the need to belong, to fit in, and to be accepted builds up noise and frenzy. As you enter the big, unknown world of higher studies or a new job, you feel the world’s eyes on you — more pointedly on what you thought are the odd, undesirable parts of you that don’t fit the template of popular acceptance; the cool quotient of your generation. It’s terrifying to stand out and you start adjusting to be accepted, to fit-in. You begin to talk and look the part ignoring your discomfort. Such unconscious, at times, obsessive adjustments soon numb your intuition, where reason and logic reside.
This is a common crossroad. Even a high achiever or the most popular peer could feel like they don’t belong. The question to ask is if one can find a way out of this. Yet again, knowing you’re not alone is Step #1.
As Seth Godin says, “Fitting in is only a short-term strategy.” If you decide to ease yourself out of it, you can find a long-term, self-serving way ahead.
The way out
‘Zoom out’ of yourself: Contrary to what you think, no one is focused on your oddities. Defocussing will allow you space and a wider view.
Learn to recognise your unique qualities and acquaint with your strengths. Knowing that your ‘odd’ could possibly be your ‘unique’ is transformative.
Your mistakes do not define you: Nothing that you did wrong or could have done better can mar your present. Life ahead is a path forward. Just like a sportsman who cannot rest on past laurels, your past does not decide your future. Excuse yourself of your past.
Listen to your intuition: Reflect. You will find clues to set off changes. This is the one instance where intelligence from your past can provide valuable clues. Your past holds seeds of promise for your future. In essence, anything that has touched a chord in you is an underlying desire worthy of exploring. Time is always right to find a new interest and build a new habit.
And in engaging so, the energy that was being pilfered to be accepted will find an outlet in your unique self-expression.
Transition is tough but do appreciate that every transition is also the opportunity of a clean slate. Your past is behind and you can confidently build a new you; maybe not one that everyone likes but certainly someone who you can truly love and be proud of.
The author is a freelance writer, blogger, and life coach. nivedita@lifealigncoaching.com
