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Respected Sir/Madam,
Ever since I took pension and retired from my senior position at a nationalised bank I have maintained a notebook with all the things that I find useless.
Some of these items are as follows: cars and buses that make music while reversing, pillows provided by airlines which are totally useless but if you throw it away then air hostess will come and give you a look like Vallabhbhai Patel, security guards in parking places who do kathakali behind your car for 20 minutes and then ask for a tip (because suddenly I have forgotten reverse gear or what, buffoon?), LIC agents, any company that advertises itself as ‘now in India’ (bloody fool who is forcing you, get out of my country), and also anybody who will say "let us agree to disagree, uncle" like some Abraham Lincoln and then spend 45 minutes arguing the same nonsense, while I am sitting and thinking Guruvayoorappa! If stroke is not painful then give me one.
Today, I have added the latest item to this list: people who are proud of other people’s achievements. This morning I was returning home from the supermarket when I met Mrs. Shanmugham from upstairs. I have previously written to you about this woman. She saw me and immediately came running. (Sir, when will ladies stop running after Mr. Mathrubootham?) I urgently looked for a fast-moving bus to jump under but unfortunately she reached me first.
Mr. Mathrubootham, did you hear the good news, she asked. Apparently, the daughter of a lady who goes to her yoga class has scored 95% or something in CBSE exam. And apparently, this is a source of great celebrations in our locality.
Sir/madam, what madness is this?
Last month, Mrs. Mathrubootham suddenly felt a lot of pride because somebody from her native place ran some race in Australia where you have to run and then cycle and then swim like some prisoner who is escaping. First of all, is there no call taxi in Australia? Secondly, he is doing running and swimming and all, and you are sitting here in the living room eating fryums and feeling a sense of achievement?
My neighbour Dr. Shankaramenon is another one. As soon as anybody with a Malayali type name becomes managing director, writes a novel, or something, he will say look what a great thing my people have done, Germanium Chandy is the new CEO of BMW. Bloody fool, just because in Jambuvan's time your families shared some mountain near Palakkad for three days, you will feel proud for him also?
The worst example of this behaviour is Indian-origin drama. If some Indian-American fellow whose family migrated to New York during the Mughal period wins some Nobel Prize in Physics, all the newspapers and TV channels will say oh what a great day for all Indians, this will show the world, let us celebrate as if we personally held the test tube when he poured uranium into it and discovered plutonium. Then they will call the poor fellow on the phone and he will say, “Namaste, but please stop bothering me, I am very busy, you people have nothing to do?” Then TV channels will say shut up, scientist, you keep your fraud prize, stupid physics and nonsense America, learn some humility from great Indian scientists like C.V. Raman. Every single Indian is proud of C.V. Raman. Are NRI scientists anti-nationals? Should we ban science? Find out at 9 p.m.
Sir/madam, I am fed up of this kind of behaviour. Wherever I look, people are avoiding any hard work and waiting for other people to do something so that they can feel proud. Useless fellows. Do something yourself and feel proud properly no?
No.
Yours in exasperation,
J. Mathrubootham
