This is a blog post from
January 17
Dear Diary,
Learnt a new word today. Agnostic.
Appa and Vanaja Mami were chatting about Mami’s latest swamiji. This one makes his devotees compulsorily buy Android tablets as part of their subscription to the ashram. The tab is loaded with all kinds of apps — bhajans, slokas, religious lectures, recipes of their special prasadams (Vanaja Mami got us one packet last time. Tastes like puke!). It also has an app for their retail outlet that home-delivers everything from soaps and shampoos to salt and sugar. These swamijis seem to be the best businessmen in the world.
When I grow up, I am going to become a swamini too (that’s what they call female swamijis). I just have to figure out some silly thing that’ll set me apart from the rest of the lot. Sandy will have some amazing ideas for sure.
Talking about Sandy. Guess what! HE. LIKES. ME. TOO.
Yes!
How do I know, you ask? Mmmm. Let’s just say walls have ears.
Haha. Actually I was walking past the boys toilet the other day and Sandy was walking out with Arjun and Adi. As usual, Arjun was going gaga about his latest crush. This time, Sanjana. There is no girl in the planet that Arjun has not had a crush on. Anyway, Arjun was blabbing about how cute Sanju is. “Such a doll!” Adi butted in and asked Sandy if he had a crush on someone. Sandy first laughed it off. But the two boys kept bugging him. Finally, after making them promise a million times, he said, “I think I like Nila. She’s funny. And sweet.”
Did you get that, Diary! I am funny. I am sweet. I am the luckiest girl in the world. Yay! Happiness.
But. But. Back to the Swami talk.
So. Android Swami.
Najju Paati walked in halfway into the discussion and said, “What’s the big deal about God anyway?”
The room fell silent.
Murthy Mama was the first to talk.
“What do you mean by that, Najju Aunty? Please don’t talk like that. At least not in front of the kids,” he said, his voice shaking with anger. I have never seen Murthy Mama angry. Never. He’s usually the timider of the two. Vanaja Mami is the fightercock. But this time Murthy Mama’s white cheeks were turning hot and red.
Najju Paati did her jackal cackle and said, “Chill, Murthy, chill. There’s nothing about this to hide from the kids. And who are we to impose God on them anyway. They have to decide for themselves. All this religion business is the reason our country is suffering. These religious fanatics are the most hypocritical guys. They talk about ‘Love all beings’ and then go mob-hunt their neighbours. They talk about ‘All are equal in the eyes of God’ and then go lynch some poor equal soul.”
Though Paati’s voice was calm, her expressions revealed that she was not. Her cheeks were turning pink too. “Tell me, Murthy. Do you have any Muslim friends? Any Christian buddies from your club? Have you even once spoken to that Muslim family across your house? As for you Vanaja, don’t you keep separate vessels at home for your maid to eat and drink from? And you have the gall to tell me that you are forward-thinking?! Please! What you are doing is just New Age Untouchability. You might not be openly discriminating, but I’m pretty sure you’ll disown Siddharth if he brings home a Christian bride. So Mr. Murthy, don’t tell me how to talk and how not to. I will do as I please. You just go about visiting all these fake swamijis who are clearly conning you out of your retirement savings. I’m surprised your IIM brains haven’t realised that yet.”
The room was silent again. This was the first time Najju Paati was losing her cool. Clearly, religion was one topic she was touchy about.
That evening, I went to Poonguzhali Akka’s place. She was doing Sketch no. 23 of a 30-sketch series where she draws one best memory of her previous day. When I walked in, she kept all her art material aside, made us a cup of tulsi-ginger tea and opened a packet of Karachi Bakery biscuits. Our high tea routine. This is what I like best about Poonguzhali Akka. She treats me like an adult. Most other grown-ups just ignore you, even if you have something really important to say to them.
I told Akka about the Sandy thing. She was almost as excited as I was. She made me swear that I wouldn’t make the first move (means I shouldn’t be the first to tell him about my crush). Never give them that advantage, she said in her wisdom voice. (Yes, it’s true, whenever she says something wise, her voice changes naturally into something soothing and wise. No fake accent or anything.)
Then I told her about Najju Paati’s religion lecture. Poonguzhali Akka laughed. She loves Najju Paati too. I asked Akka whether she believes in God. “Well, Nila, I actually was agnostic through most of high school and college. Only recently did I have a few experiences that have made me realise that there IS a Universal Spirit. No religion for me. But God, yes, I do believe in God. For me, God is love. You are God. As am I,” she said. Again, wise voice.
Honestly, I couldn’t understand most of what she said. If I am God and Akka is God then why does Vanaja Mami go to all those Swamijis? She can come directly to us, no? We won’t even force her to buy expensive Android tablets. And if I am God, then Vanaja Mami and Murthy Mama are also Gods. That just doesn’t make any sense. Sometimes Poonguzhali Akka makes no sense, but I love her too much to tell her so.
I asked her to explain what she meant by agnostic. “It means that you neither believe nor disbelieve in God.” This seems like an interesting philosophy. I actually think I am agnostic too. I’ve never really felt connected to God. Not even when Amma makes us sing those bhajans. In fact Shanky and I dread those sessions. What is God anyway? These days, all the fights in the newspapers seems to happen because one person doesn’t like the other person’s God. In that case, do we need a God at all?
But I can’t entirely dismiss the concept of God. Like Akka said, there must be something in this Universe that makes it magical. So I’m not going to become an atheist (means not believing in God). I’m just going to wait for proof before I turn proper theist.
Until then, I’ll try extra hard to befriend people from other religions. Only during Najju Paati’s lecture did I realise that I had zero friends from other religions. Only Sophia Didi. But we aren’t really friends in the first place.
Ok, Diary. Hand paining. Sleep coming. Off to bed now.
Yours agnostically,
Nila
