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The latest man to fall like a domino in the blizzard of sexual assault allegations is Indo-American comedian Aziz Ansari . In an article published by Babe.net , a woman who is known as “Grace” recounts an encounter with Mr. Ansari, where a possible hook-up goes very wrong when Mr. Ansari does not cease and desist in pressuring her to have intercourse. This incident has opened a can of worms with some defending Mr. Ansari saying that the only thing he is guilty of is “not being a mind-reader” .
The issue is far more complicated than has been presented in knee-jerk opinion pieces. When I read the Babe piece, I was horrified for what Grace had to go through, but kept thinking every few sentences, “Ok, when will she finally leave?”. Grace didn’t leave Mr. Ansari’s apartment immediately after things became unpleasant and this has made her a target amongst women and men of all ages. Amongst the arguments offered in opinion pieces and on social media are the following.
First, there was no threat of violence from Mr. Ansari, so why did she not just leave? Second, that women of this generation are weaker than those of previous generations because older women would have known exactly what to do? Third, that Mr. Ansari’s only mistake is to not understand her non-verbal cues. Finally, that women need to be more vocal about voicing displeasure. Alongside this, there is the concomitant undermining of the MeToo campaign.
It is well established that women have complicated responses in situations where they may feel endangered. One can broadly categorise them as fight, flight or freeze responses. So, every rape victim does not fight back, every sexual harassment incident does not end with a woman bolting out of the nearest exit after Macing her perpetrator. Most times the incident has already finished occurring while a woman tries to figure out the best thing to do to protect herself. Often it isn’t soon enough.
I think what we really need to focus on are two main things. First, we need to make a clear distinction between situations which involve a clear abuse of power — like the Harvey Weinstein affair — where the man has tremendous professional and financial power over the victim/survivor, and, situations of social dating where the same abuse of power stance may not apply. The main thing that the men in both situations have in common is a sense of entitlement over the woman, even if those situations are still markedly different.
Second, we need to again focus our attention on this idea of consent, which is essentially what the whole debate on sexual violence is currently centred on. In most societies, a woman’s consent is not on a par with a man’s consent. As I have argued here , in India for instance, a man saying no is taken seriously; a woman’s “no” is seen as negotiable. The Ansari case reveals exactly this manner of thinking. Grace does say, “I do not want to feel forced”, and, Ansari creates a safe space for her before reasserting himself sexually a few minutes later. Almost as though he does not think her discomfort/reluctance/ displeasure/ desire to not feel forced is irrelevant once the encounter is underway. In his mind, this is negotiable.
In cultures where young men are taught that sexual force represents masculinity, we will surely see cases where consent from women — verbal or non-verbal — is misread or ignored.In other words, how can a woman establish consent when a man isn’t really listening?
One solution that has been offered by some in this particular case — a “learning” moment — is that women should be more vocal and clearer about their likes and dislikes. While this seems like sound advice, vocalising consent is problematic as a catch-all surefire solution — it places the onus of establishing consent on the woman, and this is where the catch lies. Most men globally are raised in cultures where a woman’s voice doesn’t count as much. This may seem to be a problem of male vs female sexuality, but it is also a political problem.
In countries where women are left out of decision-making, institutionally and routinely underpaid, are under-represented and are judged for their appearance rather than their merit, one will always find situations where even if a woman says “no”, few will take it seriously. In cultures where young men are taught that sexual force represents masculinity, we will surely see cases where consent from women — verbal or non-verbal — is misread or ignored.
In other words, how can a woman establish consent when a man isn’t really listening?
The Ansari case has definitely deepened the debate around sexual assault. But it should do more than just that. It should also open up a debate on cultures that tell men that sexual aggression/assertiveness is the only sure-shot way to affirm and prove masculinity. A recent letter in the French publication Le Monde signed by a hundred women says that men should have the “freedom to bother” women. What we need to ask is why is it hard to imagine a non-aggressive male sexuality ?
