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There has been a lot of fury in my social media timelines the past few days thanks to a rather controversial episode of Vijay TV’s ‘debate’ show, Neeya Naana . The episode discussed dowry — not what is demanded by the boy’s house (that would be illegal), but what is demanded by the girls themselves when their wedding comes along. The girls, who were pitted against their mothers, had more than a few demands to make — prime real estate, a minimum of fifty sovereigns (roughly 400 grams) of gold, household appliances and a lavish wedding replete with celebrity lehenga s and a helicopter for the groom to make his entrance in. The mothers, on the other side, became visibly angry, and talked about how they just cannot do any of this because of their modest backgrounds.
Given the high levels of drama (and unintended comic relief), the episode becoming viral was inevitable — it surfaced on pretty much every Whatsapp group that I am part of, was shared widely on Facebook, was trending on YouTube before it got pulled down for copyright violations, and not surprisingly, was also subject to the ancient Tamil tradition of meme-making.
While at first glance these girls seem like selfish entitled brats, there is, as Sowmya Rajendran writes in TheNewsMinute , much more to this episode than what meets the eye.
“The Most Important Day Of Her Life”
My problem with the episode started before the participants so much as opened their mouths. The show’s host, Gobinath, introduced the topic of dowry by talking about how a girl's wedding was the most important event of her life, instantly reducing a woman's worth to her marriage. It didn't help that everyone present there nodded fervently in agreement.
“Why Should I Ask A Stranger?”
As the girls on the show began listing their demands, it became apparent that whatever was playing on screen was a combination of the participants' immaturity and scripted lines. These girls may have sounded ridiculous as they made their demands, but underneath it all, their wanting all that they did, be it land or household appliances or an endless supply of clothing stemmed from a common insecurity — they were convinced that their marital life would be similar to some kind of afternoon mega-serial where they would constantly be ill-treated by mothers-in-law for not bringing enough to the family, and that their future husbands would stand as mute spectators (one girl actually referred to her future spouse as a stranger). They seemed to believe that bringing material possessions would be the only way to earn the respect and independence that they craved.
If Neeya Naana really wanted to bring about social change, or give constructive commentary, they would have brought in mothers of sons to assure these girls that no such thing would happen, and that dowry harassment truly was a thing of the past. Instead, they gave us one-sided debate and synthetic drama.
“Your Brother Wouldn't Have Argued”
Perhaps the stupidest thing that transpired on the show (which is saying something given the content of this episode), was when one of the girls complained about having to give her salary in bulk to her mother. She wanted to keep a portion of her salary to save for her wedding whereas her mother insisted that she surrender it in its entirety to the household. Instead of trying to see if the two parties could reach a consensus (which is what a genuine moderator would have done), Gobinath made a remark about how if the girl had a brother, then that brother would have never had an issue with parting with his salary in full.
Well, her imaginary brother would have never had the societal pressures of being married off at a suitable age, of paying for the bulk of his impending marriage and most importantly, of having to live with another family for most of his lifetime. I personally felt that this vomit-inducing comparison was the worst that could have happened on the show. However, I was proven wrong a few minutes later.
“A Hindrance To Social Revolution”
Towards the end of the show, dowry harassment was discussed. One of the girls pointed out that the reason she was asking for so much from her parents was to preclude dowry harassment — if you bring more than what your in-laws expect, she said, surely you cannot be harassed. Her statement, though flawed, came from years and years of social conditioning where women have been told that they are to be blamed for all that happens to them, whether it's molestation or dowry harassment. Naturally, she wants to be safe rather than sorry.
The host, instead of taking this opportunity to talk about the fact that dowry harassment continues to happen behind closed doors, lashed out at the girl for being a hindrance to social revolution. I had sat through patiently through the show, but at that moment I truly wanted to punch my screen (the only thing that stopped me from doing so were the repair costs that would have cropped up).
“Seriya Sonneenga Bro”
The reactions to this episode have been as awful as the episode itself. A few self-appointed flag-bearers of Tamil culture have taken the effort to record and upload videos of themselves on YouTube either ‘trolling’ or chastising these girls, pronouncing them to not be women at all, and that they would never get married, never mind the fact that they don’t know any of these girls or their families. As if the videos weren't vile by themselves, the comments section (which has now been well established as the septic tank of the Internet) under these videos cheered the comments made, and were also full of abusive language and incredibly personal attacks against these women.
“Why Give Attention To A Staged Programme?”
A few years ago, when I was a participant in a radio programme hosted by one of the city’s more popular radio jockeys, the topic of Neeya Naana came up, and the RJ told me that the show was designed in such a way that the moment anyone speaks sense, the mike is taken away from them. The show-makers insist otherwise, but they do specialise in manufacturing drama. Why give them the attention then? It is because of the show’s immense popularity — it is a platform that is capable of not only altering, but creating viewpoints among its viewers, which is why it's important that we discuss it. The reason it's especially important that we discuss this particular episode is because of how angry it has made us. And we should very well be angry — not at them, but at our own inability to accept women who are capable of having unpopular opinions, wanting financial independence and aren't ready to be docile daughters-in-law. No, these women aren't right in saying what they did. But, neither are we.
