Can you believe that our meticulously planned, vedically approved, perfectly executed, rahu kaalam compliant, pre-election annihilation of one of our own satellites — helmed by none other than our beloved leader — has been labelled a “terrible, terrible thing” by the head of NASA?
Why?
Purely because the missile test created 400 pieces of orbital debris that, apparently, pose a threat to the lives of a few astronauts on board their International Space Station (ISS). As if!
There has to be a limit to this kind of nonsense, NASA.
Firstly, could you confirm what NASA stands for? Is it National Aeronautics and Space Administration or is it Nehru’s American Support Agency? Make up your mind, NASA. It’s not a big deal for us to put you on Arnab’s show and arrive at the incontrovertible truth on a panel constituting Sambit Patra, Sonu Nigam, Vivek Oberoi, Smriti Irani and... er... Nirupa Roy.
Secondly, NASA, have you read our great epics? Not Exam Warriors but the other two. Please read them. In them, when the Vajrayudha , the Brahmastra or the Pashupatastra were used by the bravest, early-bird members of Modiji ki Sena , our pre- Vedicchowkidars , did you ever hear of Indra or Varuna going to the press and making a big hoo-ha about space dross? When big big weapons are used, small small detritus happens.
Thirdly, it is not a big issue for us to clean up 400 measly pieces of flotsam from the sky, which, by the way, belongs more to us than you people. (The sky, as you know, was invented by the great Indian sage Akashamitra in the Treta Yuga . Before that, there was no sky.)
All we have to do is send our massive, ever-ready army of patriots on our pushpaka vimanams that are always on standby. And they’ll sweep up the 400 pieces, bring them back and use them as spare parts for the bullet train before you can say Biplab Deb. The hitch, you see, is we need them right now on Planet Bhudevi . It is an important time. They need to be fully available to motivate anti-nationals on social media with important details about their sisters and mothers just so they know who is going to be ruling over them for the next 50 years.
Plus, they also need to fill up the theatres when our magnum opus is released, which could be any time. And motivate viewers to stand up not just for the national anthem but during the entire duration of the film.
Why are you so jealous of us, NASA? Are you scared that our soon-to-be established Swachh Bharat Antariksh Chowkidar Pushpak Yatra How Is The Josh Sangh is going to overshadow your 60 years of space research in just one year ... if we are elected?
Have the Nehruvian traitors leaked our plans by any chance? The one where we intend to send Dreamgirl Hemaji into space on her 1500 Dhanno-powered space tractor, to install Kent water purifiers on Mars and bring back cosmic Gangajal to rejuvenate our rivers?
Or are you afraid that we will make all the aliens return all the black money they amassed during the previous regime and stashed away in various black holes?
Listen, don’t make us use our ultimate weapon, okay, NASA?
One word from us, and all our Bharatanatyam schools in the US can go on strike en masse. Don’t make us do it. Your entire economy will come to a standstill.
Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is a satirist. He has written four books and edited an anthology.
