First of all, better luck next time to all my peers from the media fraternity. I know all of you have been trying very hard for a very long time. But it’s not your fault that Yeti-ji chose me for his first ever interview. You must be dying to know how I got it. Did I have contacts with the Indian army team that spotted his footprints in Makkuppaya National Park? No. Am I a Yeti-bhakt, unlike all you Yeti-sceptics who still think of him as ‘The Abominable Snowman’?
Well, it’s true I’m a Yeti-bhakt, but I assure you that’s not why he chose me. He picked me for one reason only: I agreed to do a non-political interview, which means I won’t ask stupid questions like why, in all these years, he has never given a press conference, why people call him “abominable,” etc. Anyway, I’m pleased to share the excerpts:
Me : Yeti-ji, I still can’t get over the fact that you are shorter than Tyrion Lannister and thinner than Venkatapathy Raju. We all thought you were a 10 ft tall giant!
Yeti-ji : Heh-heh-heh. That was just a jumla.
Me : What about all those legends saying you are a mysterious Himalayan hominid, our own incarnation of the elusive ‘Big Foot’?
Yeti-ji : Just some outstanding PR and brilliant marketing.
Me : But those footprints which the army chaps saw — those were real! Your actual foot size is only 3.5. How did you manage such huge footprints?
Yeti-ji : Well, traditionally, I’ve used Photoshop. But now I’ve got a 3D printer that can print out footprints on the snow. It helps that people only see my footprints. They never see me actually leaving a footprint.
Me : Wah, Yeti-ji, wah. I’m amazed by how hard you work to live the simple life of a sanyasi in the Himalayas. There’s a certain ‘fakeeri’ in you.
Yeti-ji : Heh-heh-heh.
Me : For 50,000 years, you never showed yourself to the world, except through your famous footprints. Why suddenly go public now?
Yeti-ji : You see, all my friends and family members have had only one topic of conversation the past two months: the Indian elections. One day I got so fed up I walked out of my cave in disgust, and that’s when the army almost saw me.
Me : So who do you think will win the elections?
Yeti-ji : I am a firm believer in what Ravi Shastri always says: the next two phases are crucial. And no matter which party wins, the real winner will be Indian democracy.
Me : But Yeti-ji, many people are saying Indian democracy has been bashed over the head by the EC, which has failed to even properly enforce the Model Code of Conduct.
Yeti - ji : Look beti ...
Me : I am male, sir.
Yeti-ji : Is that so? In our species, we challenge essentialist notions of gender by privileging the female over the male as a means to subvert oppressive patriarchy and interrogate the hegemonic habitus of heteronormativity.
Me: Hmm, what a queer thing to say.
Yeti-ji : Never mind. As I was saying, your country doesn’t need an EC. What it needs is a CCC.
Me : CCC?
Yeti-ji : A Clean Chit Commission. The sunrise sector in your country is the manufacture and delivery of clean chits. But like other industries, this one too is mired in red tape and fragmented into several silos that don’t talk to each other.
Me : What are you proposing?
Yeti-ji : The CCC would be a single window clearance system where any politician, bureaucrat, businessman, judge, rioter, murderer, lynching rights activist or terrorist can, in exchange for some consideration, get a clean chit on whatever allegations are holding them back from pursuing the Great Indian Dream.
Me : I’m sorry, what is the Great Indian Dream?
Yeti-ji : Showing the world that the rules and laws that apply to ordinary mortals don’t apply to you. That you can get away with murder, sexual harassment, terrorism, etc. This is the ultimate sign of success, status, and power in India.
Me : Yeti-ji, thanks to the liberal incompetence of Nehru, India is not exactly a land of opportunities right now. If you can neither make pakodas nor wield a chowkidar’s lathi , you don’t really have a future. What is your advice to the millions of unemployed youth in this country?
Yeti-ji : The monster of India’s unemployment is a mythical creature. I can think of at least three fields where the jobs available are unlimited.
Me : What kind of jobs, Yeti-ji?
Yeti-ji : Hate Speech Writer, Fake News Manager, Copy-paster.
Me : Yeti-ji, it’s been a pleasure talking to you.
Yeti-ji : Press the bell icon and subscribe to my YouTube channel.
G. Sampath is Social Affairs Editor, The Hindu.
