It’s not often that there are so many exciting things happening at once. For a fearless columnist like myself, whose only concern is bringing the best story to his adoring readers, this poses a problem. Which one do I choose to report in this incisive essay? This fortnight, I decided I wouldn’t. So here I am, writing about all of them.
For starters, a troop of Meerut-dwelling monkeys, exhibiting both rear ends and urban-naxal tendencies, attacked a medical official and snatched away blood samples of patients who had tested positive for Covid-19. And when the medical officers tried using the hoary trick from The Cap Seller and the Monkeys , the simians apparently laughed and laughed, shaking their shoulders just like India’s most beloved god-man when he’s overcome by his own tremendous wittiness.
Then came the Pakistani locusts, in swarms, wearing tiny ‘I Heart Miandad’ tees. These rapacious beasts, capable of eating their own body weight in food, not unlike some of us at buffets, wreaked havoc on crops in Rajasthan, Gujarat, etc. Experts say the wily little marauders are merely snoozing after the mad bingeing, are constantly in touch with their across-the-border handlers, and watching Bollywood workout videos to get back in shape for another excursion.
Samsung, meanwhile, announced a fridge that can make curd. A most ingenious concept, one must admit. My question: does this revolutionary fridge make the milk by itself, too? If so, is there a teeny cow inside? And a cute little milkman like the ones we see in our UKG picture books? And most importantly, is a TV that makes whisky in the offing then? If so, could they do it quickly?
If there is excitement, can Baba Ramdev be far behind? Patanjali announced its launch of clinical trials on humans to find a cure for Covid-19. “We are not talking about an immunity booster. We are talking about a cure,” said Acharya Balkrishna. So we can safely assume it’s not garlic, gaumutra , turmeric and ashwagandha in toothpaste form. Something tells me the cure will be produced using the famed bulloctricity technology that the Baba pioneered a couple of years ago, and there will be much kapalbhati . Corona, your days are numbered.
Finally, Hema ji . I save all things Hema ji for the climax. Other than Bharatanatyam and taking up the cause of the monkeys of Mathura (not to be confused with those of Meerut), what is the Dream Girl best known for? Kent, of course.
Kent recently announced a ‘maid-free’ atta - and bread-maker with the headline ‘Are you allowing your maid to knead the dough by hand? She may be infected.’ And it had Hema ji and Esha Deol standing right next to the product looking utterly pure and infection-free.
Before Samsung and Kent got together and put out a joint ad that showed the nutritional value of having bread with curd, all home-made with no maid-hands involved, Twitter played spoilsport and Kent had to issue an apology.
Hema ji reacted immediately. “Views expressed by the recent Kent ad,” she said, “do not resonate with my values and are inappropriate. I respect and stand by all sections of society.”
Perhaps what Hema ji meant was, “I don’t trust only Kent.” Or, “I don’t only trust Kent.” Or, “I don’t trust Kent only.”
Meanwhile, Esha Deol, whether in connection with this or not I can’t say, declared, “My mom can pull off Meryl Streep’s role from The Devil Wears Prada for sure.”
Meryl Streep refused to comment.
Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is a satirist. He has written four books and edited an anthology.
