Yarn it! Society

The self-server’s prayer

Place your utterly unselfish petitions in front of a higher power and hope they are answered

O God,

Please keep my near and dear ones safe, and far from illness. Keep some near and dear ones far from me too, let them stay quarantined a few weeks more. You know which ones I’m talking about, right? Of course, you are all-knowing. Especially that near and dear one who finds fault with my cooking — keep her not so near.

Bless my house and all who live here. Not the mosquitoes. Bless the plants, especially the money plant, and make it grow faster than that of Mrs B, who gave me the cutting, which I think is cursed. May her roses wither!

Help the jobless return to employment. Focus on making my neighbour return to office asap. His office calls are so loud, they disturb my afternoon nap. Please give him some Wi-Fi trouble.

Help the sick, help the starving. Send workers home to their villages safely, especially the ones in the construction site opposite, whose hammering and drilling too are disturbing my nap. Wait, please keep back some workers, like those delivery boys, or my pizza delivery is always late. Remember, help the starving.

Dear God, thank you for giving my neighbour Wi-Fi trouble. But now he hangs over the balcony and screams louder. Please give him plumbing troubles instead that will keep him indoors.

I noticed that Mrs D’s cat’s picture got 45 likes. Please make my selfie get at least 55 likes. Surely the cat doesn’t pray so fervently to you. Make sure no one notices my home-cooked dahi puri picture was borrowed from Pinterest.

O God, grant world peace. May all those poor people in America get whatever they want. But not free stuff they are looting from Victoria’s Secret. Here, we have to resist foreign brands, I don’t see why they should get it all free. At least make them get the wrong sizes.

Talking of sizes, I have donated all my old clothes and low-rise jeans I can’t fit into now — to charity drives, including some high-heeled shoes, with minimal repairs needed. You can see my post about it as proof.

Maybe you couldn’t understand my prayer the last time because of my mask, but I asked for pain relief, not rain relief. For my gas pain. Instead you made it rain and storm.

Anyway, keep us all healthy, wealthy and wise, especially my husband, who is deteriorating on all three fronts.

Thank you, God, and now that places of worship have opened, I would have come to personally pray to you, but social distancing and all… So please arrange blessings by Zoom call.

Where Jane De Suza, author of Flyaway Boy, pokes her nose into our perfect lives.

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Printable version | Jul 15, 2020 4:26:56 AM | https://www.thehindu.com/society/columnist-jane-de-suzas-satirical-take-on-a-hypocrites-prayer/article31812158.ece

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