Dear Texan Cousin-Sisters and -Brothers,
Accept my apologies, all you lovely Stetson-wearing desi cowpokes, for this joint note to you. Kindly consider this letter of gratitude as being individually addressed to all the patriots present at the grand event.
First off , ikkadaanta brahmandanga undi , andi . I know I don’t have to ask how y’all are doing there because you just showed us how utterly majama things are in our native village, Houston.
Heartfelt thanks for putting up such an awesome show for our beloved leader, the highlight of which according to many news reports, was the rendition of that incomparable Indian spiritual ‘ Nenu Pakka Local ’ by galvanized university students. I am sure it would have been an enriching, if bewildering, experience for the two great leaders.
Nothing reflects our ancient culture – of which no one can deny you, my overseas siblings, are the foremost upkeepers – or our respect for women, and our philosophical predilection for pelvic thrusts, than this Kajal Aggarwal number, whose lyrics loosely translated go: ‘I am pucca local, I’m a pucca local, I’m a pucca local-oo/ The bangles, saris and blouses I use are of street-mass-u variety-loo’. (I tried my best to make it rhyme, okay?)
Next year, I sincerely hope you perform that other equally uplifting Kajal Aggarwal number, the one in which Megastar Chiranjeevi petitions her thus: ‘ Ammadu, Let’s Do Kummudu’ (the lyrics of which I cannot translate without having them expunged by my spoilsport editor).
Coming to things back here, bhais and bens , badhu barabar che !
A forest is being felled in Maharashtra and the people protesting are being arrested. But don’t worry, sarva kahi thika . That’s the kind of useless news getting unnecessarily highlighted when Gadkari ji has just launched an awesome range of soaps made of cow dung.
Meanwhile, some 49 anti-national fellows, among whom are the likes of Shyam Benegal, Adoor Gopalakrishnan and Aparna Sen, have written a critical letter to our beloved PM, can you believe it? Saying all kinds of terrible lies about our country and lynching. As bloody if. But it has all been taken care of. Ella sariyagide , because a band of selfless patriots is suing their urban-naxal patooties for sedition, ROFL!
You’ll hear unemployment is at its highest here now. Pay no heed, sabakichu thika ache . It is because millennials don’t want to work for anyone. They are all busy raising money for pakora and gutter gas start-ups. Car sales, the idiots are saying, are down. But ellam nannayi pokunnu . If millennials are going to be working from home making pakoras with gutter gas why will they buy cars, tell me? S arva kahi thika .
Above all, Kashmir is more beautiful than ever. The Kashmiris are so happy and contented that they are refusing to leave home and are spending all day listening to Shammi Kapoor songs from the ’60s.
Hope you are coming en famille in December, Akkalu and Annalu . Do come to Chennai as you do year after year. If not for you, why have Margazhi at all! Our sabhas are waiting for you with open doors. Come, stuff yourself with rawa kesari and bondas, and have your cloddish offspring delight us with their dance recitals. Ask for an encore of ‘ Vaishnava Janato’ that those two lovely ladies sang as a tribute to the guys who killed the Mahatma. Come and buy loads of gaudy silk sarees and clunky diamond necklaces. Above all, come to teach us values. And jump-start our sluggish patriotism. So that all continues to be well-o well-u.
Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is a satirist. He has written four books and edited an anthology.
