When two of her relatives were diagnosed with cancer, Tanya Singh got a front-row experience of the process of treatment and realised that it takes a toll not just on the patient but also the entire family, especially the children. “Adults generally try to hide their emotions from the kids, not realising it adds to their anxieties,” she says. She decided to put her experiences down in the form of a picture book, Get Well Soon, Mamma! (Scholastic). With simple text and illustrations, the book showcases Tanya’s observations from her informal interactions with kids. “They would talk about an episode or incident in their life where the sick parent had played a crucial role. They would never say that they missed them or wanted them to come home as soon as possible. Some would get aggressive around their parents during visiting hours; others would just cry and not say a word,” she explains.
Asked why she chose to make it a picture book, she responds, “I always felt that it is easy for children to identify with pictures, which make it easy for the kids to perceive the text and emotions of the story.” And since she had worked with the illustrator Tanya Kotnala before, “it was easy for me to express my ideas”.
Get Well Soon Mamma, Tanya Singh, Illustrations by Tanya Kotnala, Scholastic
Tanya points out that, while parents must ideally help their children cope with the situation, they don’t get much help from the medical profession. Something that Gauri N Pal, a mother of two, agrees with. Her children had grown up in her maternal home and were nine and six years old when her father was diagnosed with late-stage cancer. Once the diagnosis was confirmed, Gauri explained how matters stood, but says she got no help from the doctors. “Going to the doc and even meeting him was such an ordeal. Plus, there was barely any time for the patient, forget any additional support for the caregiver or extended family,” she recalls.
Both Tanya and Gauri reiterate that children need to be told how matters stand. Adults don’t want to frighten children by talking openly about terminal illness, says Tanya, but adds that “if the real picture is not presented to them, kids may imagine that the problem is beyond its true proportions and, sometimes, consider themselves responsible for it. By talking to children frankly and helping them express their emotions, we can make it easier for them to face it.”
A page from the book
Gauri believes that children are often aware of what’s happening, especially if the family is close-knit. “It was easier to be honest with them. They understood the situation and tried to help in their own way. They were more caring towards daddy or if I was not able to do something for them, they were very laid-back about it.” Also, when her father started declining, “they were able to understand the process and, when he died, the grief was not overwhelming. The honesty allowed them to take care of their grandfather and gave them closure after his death.”
A medical perspective
Children should be 100% told of a parent’s or even grandparent’s diagnosis of cancer, emphasises Dr Rajasekar Thirugnanam, Consultant Haematologist, Hemato-oncologist and Bone Marrow Transplant Physician at KMCH Coimbatore. He explains that the treatment is not a one-time process and there may be setbacks or side-effects that the children should know about. “Sometimes, the family does not even inform the patient, leave alone children in the family,” he rues. He even offers to help explain matters to the child, but “I cannot insist that they do so.”
He suggests that, depending on the child’s age, parents use terms like good cells and bad cells and how the former are affected when the latter are targeted. “Involve them when you discuss the duration of the treatment and the side-effects,” he advises.
Sometimes, when the patient is a child, parents request him not to tell the child. “I put my foot down and do not start treatment, unless I have a one-on-one talk with the patient. Ultimately, the patient and family should realise that we are all fighting the cancer together.”
Dr Rajasekar’s view is reiterated by Dr Mohan Raj, Consultant Psychiatrist, Tharu Clinic, Chennai. “The child has every right to know,” he says emphatically. “Being honest with them is important. When the truth dawns suddenly and the child is not prepared, it can be traumatic.” He also points out that we tend to focus on the fearsome aspects of cancer. “Often, there is also a lot of hope. So I don’t see why children can’t be told.”
If the child is just three or four years old, “Say it’s a major illness or that bad tissues are being removed, if you don’t want to use the word cancer. But older kids need to know,” he warns.
