‘She has a child. How will she understand?’ — This is perhaps the first thought that comes to the mind of a woman who’s had a miscarriage when someone tries to console her. I had one when I was 53 days pregnant. My close friends came home to see me, and we didn’t speak about it much. I preferred it that way. It helped me move on.
But I know of people who go into a shell after suffering a miscarriage. This is because they dread the questions and the free advice that come after the first few kind words. ‘Did you do anything you shouldn’t have?’, ‘Did it hurt?’? ‘Did you travel too much?’ Imagine the state of mind the woman is in. She’s lost a life; a baby that she thought will run around the house.
The best thing to do to help her, is perhaps not to say anything at all, because unless you’ve been through it, it’s difficult to understand, and even if you have, each person’s experience is different.
So what do you do when you know a friend is grieving but just don’t know what to do or say? Give her space. Don’t ask too many questions. And we’re not open to hearing things like ‘You can try again soon’. To those who are hurting, I’d like to say, if those around you continue to badger you with advice, ignore them for your own good.
— R Sumathi, (name changed to
protect identity) a 34-year-old IT
professional in Chennai
