As the years go by and our lifespan drains away like grains of sand in an hourglass, we become more and more conscious of the need to party. This is why some of the shenanigans that people get up to in old age homes have to be seen to be believed, especially during the festive season. You could argue that avoiding alcohol and chewing carrots will help you to live a long and healthy life, possibly till the age of 102. But once you reach this landmark, you will realise that there is not much you can do at 102, except misguide the youth whenever the opportunity presents itself.
A centenarian who was interviewed recently is living proof of this. On the occasion of his 100th birthday, he hosted a press conference in his living room, on the ground floor of his modest two-storey home. He had always been frugal, and lived within his means. There were loud noises coming from upstairs, but out of respect for the elderly, everyone ignored them.
As he basked in the admiration of the press, taking care not to make any sudden movements, one of the journalists asked him a question. What was the secret of his longevity? “That’s easy,” said the centenarian. “I never smoke, I avoid alcohol, and I haven’t had sex since 1962.” All the journalists noted this down, gloomily. The loud noises continued upstairs, including the sound of a chair overturning, and the journalists were naturally concerned. “What’s going on upstairs?” asked one of them. “Don’t worry,” said the old man. “That’s just my father. Once he’s had a glass of whisky and smoked a cigar, he starts chasing the nurse round and round the bedroom.”
There is no point in avoiding new year parties because you’re on a diet, or feel like you have not had enough asparagus. On the contrary, you should line up several. Approach them with a sense of purpose. Always check out the snacks the moment you reach the venue. If the host or hostess is serving whole-wheat nachos with hummus, or everything is made of paneer , you should leave immediately, and move on to the next one. Eventually, you will find kebabs .
Regarding alcohol, you have to keep your age in mind. If you have one foot in the grave, choose the most expensive alcohol available, and drink as much of it as you can. Do not be sidetracked by the idea of leaving something for others. Most of the others are younger. They have many more years of drinking ahead of them. Some of them may be slightly upset, but the smart ones will observe you and learn. When the time comes, they too will do the same. Seeing them, others will also learn. In this way, by passing on our hard-earned wisdom, and leading by example, we will ensure that all of us live long and happy lives.
The technical term for this is the circle of life. As the old year fades away, and a new one beckons, it’s our duty to keep it turning. So celebrate the New Year lavishly. And whatever you do, don’t let them give you healthy dessert. There’s no such thing.
In Shovon Chowdhury’s most recent novel, Murder With Bengali Characteristics , the Chinese governor of Bengal is demoted after a mishap at a New Year orgy
