Dear Agony Akka,
A silver-haired politician was recently asked by a journalist, “Will you also consider leaving the party?” and he promptly replied, “Over my dead body.” Both question and answer are giving me endless pain. The question because no one is ever asking me to leave one party or join another. I have been a party-of-one since COVID began, while party-hopping politicians are jiving 24/7. When can we ordinary people go mall-hopping, traffic signal jumping, etc.? As for the politician’s answer, how does one walk over one’s own dead body? While most politicians seem not to care for semantics (let alone their constituencies), I am now sure they can summon an out-of-body persona at will. I can well imagine this doyen’s ghostly self, walking over his dead body, and reaching the other party. My own self is desperately seeking such out-of-body experiences. Then I too could island-hop in Antigua, while my body remains in my 1BHK, no?
— Desperately Seeking Party Offers
Dear DeSPO,
The 420-rupee question is what kind of party you want to hop to. Let me see now, there are some parties I am hearing about that are serving various mushrooms as starter items. If you attend one you can easily have out-of-body and out-of-mind experience I believe. Young Murugan from 10B was telling me that at one such party he had long conversation with washbasin throughout evening and formed warm relationship with it. In your present state of solitude, I am sure you will welcome such bonding. But perhaps you are already having liaison with soap-dish? The lockdown has made us all look for allies in unlikely places. I myself have become very partial to one rosewood coffee table and I pose it all manner of philosophical and philological queries at 3:00 a.m. The table is giving excellent responses, many of which find their way into this column.
But why let l’affaire soap-dish come in the way? Any politician worth his silver hair will tell you party means hopping. Like how in Bengal, they are jumping back to mother ship like fleas leaving a dog sprayed with Notix but in U.P. they are scrambling towards father ship like dog not sprayed with Notix.
Your problem is lack of ambition. You cannot think about jumping traffic lights if you want to get to Antigua. Jump bail instead. And leave country overnight. Don’t be afraid. All government agencies will look other way until you reach Antigua. Then 7-8 officers will do one jaunt on jet plane and promptly miss you there as well, then they will make another trip and another. Meanwhile, you can calmly finish sight-seeing trip with soap-dish, going from Antigua to Barbuda to Guiana to Redonda.
Also remember, it’s very easy to walk over own dead body. It is common form of commuting in Kailasa. Because your body is my body is his body, you can walk over anybody without body. I am seeing this phenomenon spreading like anything nowadays. After one body is declaring pandemic is over and all are singing Hosanna, same body is smoothly gliding over many dead bodies and buying vaccine. It is called astral physics, whereby bodies can be in different places mouthing different things. Once you master this dark art, you will see world in new light. You will live in 1BHK but your other body will be travelling test-less in Goa. Your neighbour will die of COVID but his another body will get negative test report and travel to, well, Antigua. And your soap-dish will pretend to be in your suitcase while actually island-hopping with neighbour.
— AA
agony.akka@gmail.com
