Of late, cars have been snaking across our TV screens, stalled bumper to bumper at petrol pumps, producing inappropriately hearty ROFLMAO among us, that the UK should be queuing up, for a change. To us, who have grown older, wiser, fatter, sleepier — on calls which keep telling us to ‘Please wait, you are in a queue,’ this is less newsworthy than star shenanigans.
We have spent at least a good percentage of our lives in queues, at banks, ticket counters, billing desks or lugging pillows to the all-night stake-out outside a school that would open its kindergarten admission window the next morning.
And now, finally, the world has caught up! It’s time for us to teach everyone else some Qetiquette.
Do not argue with chappals
Chappals have rights, same as you or I. Someone who needs to attend the call of nature may legitimately leave his chappals , with full power of attorney, to replace him in the queue.
Do not body-shame
Someone’s paunch may prod your back, someone’s oily, unruly hair may fly into your mouth, someone’s onion-breath may shoot at your neck. Adjust- maadi to the overflowingness of their bodies. Squash along politely. If God meant you to social-distance, He would have made you a lamppost.
Take the week off
You spend precious daylight hours in the queue, staring at the bald patch in front of you, instead of in office. You finally get to the counter to be gleefully told you have this form or that paper missing. Back to the back of the queue!
Exploit your kid
Everyone loves kids. Send your kid to the front of the queue with a sob story, to buy whatever you need. Anyone who protests will be attacked by other kid-loving kind souls. In the ensuing ruckus, you can slip in and get your deal.
Panic!
It could save your life or butt. If you see the last toilet paper roll on the shelf, grab it. Even if you have 63 at home and use them to write memos on. After all, everyone else must know something about the life-saving powers of TP that you don’t. Why should anyone else get it? Climb over the little old lady and grab it first.
Spread sideways
Step out and pretend you were actually behind someone way in front. 14 others instantly follow you. Soon the line becomes triangular, circular and geometry-defining. Everyone insists they were there at the crack of dawn before everyone else. People accuse each other of suspect gene pools that include the animal kingdom. The counter shutters down.
Yes, the world is running out of fossil fuels, chocolate, chips, (not chocolate chips – note the comma), time… and patience. Queue up quick! In case you’re caught short in 2050.
Where Jane De Suza, the author of Happily Never After , talks about the week’s quirks, quacks and hacks
