Letter From A Concerned Reader | Columns

Where’s my coconut scraper? wonders Mathrubootham as delivery boxes mix up

Respected Sir/Madam,

Fed up. Totally fed up. Next time if somebody says dotcom, online, internet and all, on the spot murder will happen. Totally totally fed up. Whole day I have been running around like P.T. Usha. In that direction. Then in this direction. Then in that direction.

Sir/ madam, who is Mr. Mathrubootham? A normal human being who is retired public sector employee. Ask anybody and they will say Mathrubootham has many positive points and one or two negative points. Sometimes he will snore in his sleep. Sometimes he will forget that he has one book or one VCD and buy same item again after one month.

Sometimes, he will tell Mrs. Mathrubootham god promise I will put water in balcony plants and then he will forget due to busy lifestyle and then plants will die and then he will hide the dead plants in the storeroom and buy new identical plants to avoid Kurukshetra in household and then stupid new plants will get flowers in different colour and then Mrs. Mathrubootham will find out truth and then check store room and now store room is turned into Vandalur Zoo insect department.

Is any human being perfect? No one, except timeless filmstar Suhasini.

But look at positive points also sir/ madam. Is there any other retired gentleman who is supporting so much modern technology and internet and all? Never never thousand times never.

Three-four days back Mrs. Mathrubootham said old man can you please go and buy one new coconut scraper, old one is broken. I said Kamalam, my dear Kamalam, since 1978 I am telling you change the scraper, change the scraper. Sir/ madam, whether she will listen? Better to put cow in fridge and next morning expect ice cream.

I said don’t worry I will order new one from the internet. She said don’t be so lazy you can just walk to nearby shop and buy. Shall I play Osibisa music also, Kamalam, this is not 1985 I said. Please leave this to me. I will go online, read all the reviews and all, and then order at cheapest and best price.

Two days later there was a knock on the door and I ran. One delivery boy was there. My heart started beating like anything. Since childhood whenever postman comes to the door I get very excited. Who knows what all wonderful things are coming?

Delivery boy said excuse me, I have package for Dr. Shankaramenon can you please give it to him? He is not there in his flat. Bloody fool, this is flat or railway station cloakroom? I said ok and kept the box on the dining table. I called Dr. Shankaramenon, he said he has gone to Kerala for one week ayurvedic massage, please keep the box safely.

Next day, just as Mrs. Mathrubootham and myself were about to go for one tea party, same delivery boy came again. Tea party was at Mrs. Arumugam’s house and she will invite 35 people and cook for 5 people. If you don’t reach on time means arrowroot biscuit tea party only. So I grabbed the box, kept it on the table and ran out of the flat.

This afternoon I was sleeping comfortably on the sofa when suddenly Mrs. Mathrubootham entered the living room exactly like Alexander the Great entering neighbouring country. Due to family nature of this newspaper I will not repeat the details. She said old man what curse was put on my forefathers that I married you, have you seen what is in the box? Whether this is coconut scraper? I should have married goods train driver from Thiruvanmiyur but appa said bank manager has better future, this is not future this is torture.

She showed me the courier box. Inside the box there was 14 pair of men’s socks and 4 banians. Please scrape one coconut and show me, she said.

Suddenly, I realised what had happened. Oh my god stupid woman, which box did you open, this is Dr. Shankaramenon’s box. What about the other box? He came at 7 a.m. itself and took it, she said.

I ran to Dr. Shankaramenon’s flat. Unfortunately, he had already started scraping coconut. I said what nonsense doctor, you didn’t even stop for one minute and think why I got scraper instead of banian? He said you take the socks and banian, Mathrubootham. Enjoy it.

Sir/ madam socks is too small, banian is too big, and wife is too angry.

Yours in total exasperation,

J. Mathrubootham.

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Printable version | Jan 23, 2022 5:56:32 PM | https://www.thehindu.com/opinion/columns/wheres-my-coconut-scraper/article24180481.ece

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