There was a time when men went to college to get a decent education, then waited their turn to get married and have children, and finally, when the kids moved out, converted that nursery into the den of their dreams. Distilled down, that is pretty much the only reason why men do anything — from getting a higher education to peeing recklessly — to mark a bit of territory as their own.
But gone are the days when one could simply go hunting, bring back the spoils and hang them on a wall as a show of pride and valour. In today’s times, these dens have to be much more mindful: cruelty-free leather that’s worked over in fair-trade tanneries, furniture from conflict-free wood, and a few tastefully anointed art pieces, the kind which tell a story about the struggling artist, struggling most probably because their art sucked but who continue to peddle the same stuff on the market because their lack of skill (and money) has now become their USP.
But it wouldn’t be a den without some trophies, right? And since we weren’t born in times when entitled pests aka millennials get a prize for coming in 17th, or just turning up, the mantle can look rather bare. But fear not, for I have a plan to revive the joys of scouting and returning with prized spoils for souvenirs. By only keeping species that can afford the culling in my cross-hairs, I intend to restock the dens of today with interesting conversation pieces without having the SPCA canvassing outside my window. Here are six things that are aplenty in the world today, and were we to play target practice, the world would only be a better place for it.
1. Kitty party aunties: My luncheon reservations don’t specify a table by the window or with a view, I just wish to be as far away from a kitty party crew as possible, maybe even a restaurant away. A gaggle of geese seems more Zen by comparison.
2. Nosey relatives: Why aren’t you married? When did you buy a house? What did you pay for that nose job? Nobody pushes boundaries like relatives and just like those militant ones at our borders, we need to bomb some fear into them.
3. Crooked politicians: There is frankly no art in hunting a dishonest politico; I mean you’d sooner expect to fall and miss the ground. Nevertheless, dedicate this trophy to all that tax money you paid instead of spending it on your holidays, but which ironically still ended up funding a vacation; just not yours.
4. Ambiguous artist: Art is not objective but some art is objectionable. The person holding the weapon gets to make that distinction.
5. Patronising partners: It’s hard enough trying to get through life with all that underachievement, do we really need a constant shadow of a soulmate to remind us just how we fell short of every expectation?
6. Condescending vegans: The last thing I need is a side order of guilt-trip every time I order a rare tenderloin. The next person to try and recount how cruel my dinner orders are will be framed and hung on the wall of my den from where they can see me dine for the rest of my life.
If you feel this task too tedious, I assure you that you will find a lot more of these specimens lolling about in public spaces than there are Pokémon to be captured on that blessed game.
This column is for anyone who gives an existential toss.
