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J. Mathrubootham tells us why he's '100% against all plants'

Getty Images/ istock

Getty Images/ istock

Respected Madam/ Sir,

From other newspapers I expect only fraud and chicanery. But from The Hindu did I ever expect such behaviour? Never. I have noted that you have put out some environment special last week, which is full of fraud items. But very worst is you have not published my letter which I have written last week and which one and all will tell you was point to point important. So this time I will tell you why this greenery and all is big fraud.

You know what is plants? I will tell you about plants.

Plants and trees and all just like one Mr. Martin who used to work with me in Vedaranyam branch. From outside very decent man. He will always wear full-sleeve shirt and long pants. Ironing and all perfect. Shoes always black colour polished. Mr. Martin will come to office on time each day. He will wish good morning to all staff, he will say hello to manager in the cabin.

He will walk to his table and sit down. He will put tiffin box inside bottom drawer. He will take out pen and paper and rubber band and ledger and rubber stamps and stapler and all. And then he will work. Will he leave his table untidy? Never. Mr. Martin’s place was always neatest in entire office.

And during lunch break what will happen? Whether he will sit in the strong room and do Kumar Gaurav type romantic gossip with lady staff members? Oh Ms. Shyamala your saree is magnificent. Oh Mrs. Kumaravalli why you are wasting money on gold jewellery when your face itself is so shining like gold.

Never. He will eat quietly, finish lunch in 10 minutes, and then go back to work.

Too much dedication

Many times union people told him, “Mr. Martin, Mr. Martin, Mr. Martin you are destroying worker rights in this country. Bank is giving one hour for lunch break. If you don’t use fully means tomorrow management will say no need one hour, 30 minutes enough. Then? 20 minutes. Then? 10 minutes. Finally they will say no lunch break. Then we have to suffer and work hard like private sector fellows. Is that what you want Mr. Traitor Martin?”

He will say, “Sorry, sorry, sorry, tomorrow onwards I will take full lunch break. But once more he will work with too much dedication. Madam/ Sir, dedication is like chicken biryani. One plate is ok. Two plate is fine. Three plate is danger. Four plate is dysentery.

But never mind all that. One employee too much dedicated. Fine. But worst, Mr. Martin is greatest traitor in whole world. Secretly he is giving full information to top management. He is sharing all employee gossips with manager. Slowly slowly we discovered that he is the biggest spy for management in the office.

Too much hypocrisy

Many people are like this Madam/ Sir, outside all Shankaracharya, inside Auto Shankar.

Plants and trees also exactly like this. You will go to some park and think, “Oho, what a beautiful tree. What a captivating flowers.” Fraud fraud fraud.

What happened when we went to Munnar in 1992 on my Leave Travel Concession? One coconut fell on our taxi and destroyed front glass. And we had to waste one full day to find a new car. By the time we came back to hotel, ayurvedic massage lady went home.

What happened when I bought new glass table for balcony area in my flat? Upstairs Mrs. Meera’s moneyplant fell down because of wind directly on top of the table and destroyed it.

What happened when Mrs. Mathrubootham decided to grow big dumb cane plant outside the flat door? I told, “Kamalam, plant is bit big.” She said, “Old man, this is nothing compared to Dr. Shankaramenon’s house; he has coconut palm inside the living room. I said, “He is Malayali, what you can expect, next he will put one elephant.”

Then one day, housing complex sweeper pushed plant in front of door during cleaning. Then forgot. Madam/ Sir, I got late for morning yoga and ran out of door, fell on plant, and then plant, and I rolled and rolled like Ilaiyaraaja duet video. After 15 minutes I went to doctor because the dumb cane is poisonous plant.

This is why I am 100% against all plants and trees and environment and all. At least human beings and animals will give warning before attacking.

Yours in agricultural exasperation,

J. Mathrubootham

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Printable version | Aug 10, 2022 4:09:22 am | https://www.thehindu.com/opinion/columns/too-much-green-fraud/article25857617.ece