Some of you may not agree but I strongly believe that India’s greatest achievement since Independence is the inking of the ROFL deal with the French and the handover of the offset component to Double A, a man whose patriotism and commitment to excellence is blindingly clear to all but a handful of pliable journalists. Thankfully, most of the media, and I include myself in this larger subset of The Nonpliables, know an honest deal when they see one, and the ROFL deal is the world’s most honest deal since Bofors.
So I was shocked when a foreign jholawala-type NGO worker started arguing with me about the ROFL deal. I couldn’t make head or tail of what Jon Snow (name changed to protect his identity) was talking about. So I’m sharing the transcript of our conversation. If any of you can make sense of what seems like poppycock to me, do enlighten me over email. Here goes:
JS: Can India really afford this deal?
Me: I’m sorry, what?
JS: You are paying ₹1,600 crore for one plane. Is that the right priority for a country where malnutrition is rampant and millions are still illiterate?
Me: Excuse me, what’s that got to do with anything?
JS: Isn’t this money better spent on public healthcare and a good schooling system with well-paid teachers?
Me: Are you crazy? You know how much this deal is worth? €7.8 billion! We can’t spend that kind of money on health and education. Besides, India’s defence is already underfunded.
JS: But India has been the world’s largest importer of arms for several years! And in the ROFL deal, you’re now paying ₹1,000 crore more per jet than in the original deal, aren’t you?
Me: You know nothing, Jon Snow. Stop talking.
JS: Fine, why don’t you enlighten me?
Me: Look, we may be paying ₹1,000 crore extra and getting 90 jets less than what we need. So what? This is a matter of national security. When it comes to national security, everything else is irrelevant. When I say everything, I mean everything — cost, transparency, legality, privacy, fundamental rights (including the right to life), and, of course, democracy. No price is too high for national security. You can’t put a price on the life and liberty of Indian citizens.
JS: Are farmers Indian citizens?
Me: Hmm… that’s a tough one. What if they are?
JS: They are killing themselves because you can’t ensure a decent price for their produce. How will your ROFL jets save their lives?
Me: You are mixing apples and oranges. Chalk and cheese. Cholesterol and cow urine. Pakodas and—
JS: Okay, I get it! Tell me this: why don’t you drive a Porsche 911 Turbo S Cabriolet?
Me: I can’t afford one. Simple!
JS: What if you signed away your entire salary for the rest of your life, along with your father’s pension, as EMI towards the price of the Porsche?
Me: If I did that, how would I pay my bills? What would I eat?
JS: A poor country that can’t afford to feed its people, can’t afford to pay its teachers, can’t afford to keep its cities clean is a country that can’t afford to buy 36 planes at ₹1,600 crore apiece. Is this so hard to understand?
Me: I’m sorry, but you’ve no understanding of India’s threat perceptions or the need to modernise our military capabilities.
JS: This is the real scam in the whole ROFL deal.
Me: What do you mean?
JS: It’s a question that not even Rahul Gandhi dares to ask. The biggest scam is that there is no debate at all on whether India should be splurging on these super-expensive jets in the first place, on whether there isn’t another way to secure your interests.
Me: Another way?
JS: You already have nuclear deterrence. On top of that, you have enough conventional weapons to pummel Pakistan ten times over. Even if you sold all your PSUs, rivers, mineral resources, and borrowed all you could, and put all of that money exclusively in your defence budget, you still won’t achieve parity with China. So what will you achieve by acquiring 36 ROFL jets?
Me: You’re nuts. And you’re not even an Indian.
JS: Speaking of ‘Indianness’, why can’t India make its own ROFL jets?
Me: You mean, like Make in India and all that?
JS: Yeah, why can’t your scientists design it and HAL manufacture it?
Me: Well, if Indians start making their own ROFL jets, how will we maintain our status as the world’s top importer of arms?
JS: Ah, now you are making sense. For a long time, I didn’t quite understand the meaning of ‘national security’. Now it’s clear. It’s all about keeping Western arms manufacturers in business, isn’t it? No developing country can afford to ignore its obligations in this regard.
Me: Huh? So we finally agree on something?
JS: ROFL.
