The world’s biggest climate change party happened in Gasglow last week. Did you go? I got invited but didn’t go. I attended virtually to avoid emissions. It’s while explaining to friends why I didn’t go that I realised most people don’t know anything about climate change parties. In fact, 9.9 out of every 10.1 Indians don’t even know what COP-26 stands for. Many believe it’s the latest version of UAPA under which any ‘cop’ can arrest you and keep you in jail without trial for 26 years for something you didn’t do. But that’s not what COP-26 is.
COP stands for ‘Conference of Parties’, which is French for ‘mother of all parties’. Like every year, this year also the world’s top contributors to climate change gathered in Gasglow to hug each other and party past sundown and sea rise. As always, India clocked the highest number of anti-climate change hugs. We not only hugged all the prime ministers and presidents, we also hugged the UN Personal Secretary, the guy who takes the minutes of all the discussions at the Parties.
A major insight that emerged from COP-26 is that because the climate is constantly changing, not everyone can stay up-to-date on the issue. It’s alright if ordinary people are ignorant but dictators must be fully informed on the subject — not because they may someday have to answer questions in a press conference but because climate change is a matter of survival, and if there is one thing all dictators care about, it is survival. So, for the benefit of the world’s top dictators, I’ve compiled a handy FAQ on climate change:
Is climate change real?
It depends. On the one hand, we have proof that the climate is undeniably changing, and changing all the time. For instance, it was summer five months ago. Now it is winter. The air quality was ‘very poor’ yesterday, but today it is ‘hazardous’. Also, when you walk into your air-conditioned office, it is chilly. But when you walk into your sauna room, it is hot. So you see how the climate is constantly changing? Having said that, it is also likely that your emergence as the supreme leader in an Opposition-free democracy will single-handedly neutralise climate change in your country. So to answer your question: Yes, it is possible that you have changed climate change.
Will climate change kill me?
Not unless you are low-lying (not the same as low, lying) and expect to exist beyond 2070.
Will climate change kill other people?
Not if you kill them first.
Was there climate change in the time of the Mughals?
Good question. It was, and back then it was known by its real name: climate jihad. But Nehru changed it to ‘climate change’.
What can I do to speed up climate change?
That’s easy. Cut down as many trees as you can. Destroy all the forests in your country. If you still have any bio-diversity hotspots left, go for them first. Do whatever it takes — convert them into oil palm plantations if you must — but make sure that all forest cover is gone. If you have crony capitalist friends, get them to set up golf courses in water-scarce areas. Make sure your environmental laws become a joke. Build as many flyovers as you like but don’t make the mistake of investing in public transport. Convert all your national parks and wildlife sanctuaries into mining zones, preferably coal. Last but not the least, if you have any coastal regulatory zones, scrap them immediately. Make it legal to erect residential towers and malls up to 50 km into the sea.
Will climate change impede my ability to visit foreign countries as much as I want to?
Unnecessary air travel involves burning of airline fuel, which is a fossil fuel. Flying expands your carbon footprint and increases global warming. So don’t travel in case the media in your country is likely to hold you accountable or ask uncomfortable questions. Otherwise, you can safely travel abroad up to three times a day. If things heat up, file FIR against disobedient journalists.
Can genocide mitigate climate change by reducing my country’s carbon footprint?
This is the question most Googled by dictators around the world, and frankly, there are no easy answers. In general, genocide is considered an extreme measure, and is not recommended unless the recipient of the recommendation is a sadist. But then, sadism and happyism are relative, just as what’s good for one person might be bad for another (democracy, for instance), or how one person’s ‘ bheek ’ is another person’s independence — it all depends on the climate in the blank space inside a person’s skull.
Everyone is suddenly talking about Nejiro. Who is Nejiro?
It’s simple: If ‘a’ is a net, ‘b’ is zero, and 2 is the number ‘2’, then in the formula a + b + 2ab, the ‘2ab’ is equal to net zero.
sampath.g@thehindu.co.in
