Life Hacks from Agony Akka Columns

Get hic... hitched

Illustration: Satheesh Vellinezhi  

Dear Agony Akka,

I am from a traditional Tamil family. We are strict vegetarians and strict teetotallers. But I decided to break the norm and try both non-veg and alcohol and ended up liking both. I mean, nothing was holding me back really except our imaginary entitlements handed down from generation to generation. But there’s a major problem. I tried telling my family, but they were furious. Now, they are arranging my marriage. And most of the women hang up on me when I tell them I occasionally imbibe. Without even wanting to know me as a person. Even when I clarify I am nowhere close to being an alcoholic or carnivorous predator. I would have preferred a love marriage, but unfortunately it didn’t happen and maybe now I am too old. I am in my early 30s. How do I tackle all this? Should I stay unmarried?

— Single and Anxious to Date

Dear SAD,

Frankly, dear boy, your family is sounding strictly boring. But first things first. Why are your parents still worrying about what you are eating and drinking? They should have stopped thinking about it once they weaned you off Cerelac and started you on pappu-saadam.

The fact that they are still watering you and watching you grow makes me strongly believe that they think you are a potted plant. And, as you are well aware, potted plants cannot happily drink alcohol and eat chicken 65. They will soon wilt. Wilting is not good condition for plants. Or men.

How to convince them that you are grown-up adult male of species Homo sapiens? Well, for starters, you could behave like one. For example, move out of your climate-controlled, vermicomposted little flowerpot and start living alone. After the initial shock of seeing you feeding and cleaning yourself, your folks will probably come to terms with it and stop stuffing plant food down your gullet.

Mind you, they might also go into deep shock. In which case, a small shot of brandy is highly recommended. There are two advantages to this. One, of course, they might actually come out of their shock. Second, they might like it so much they will want to carry on drinking. In which case, you can move back into their house.

I also suspect it is your parents who are writing your matrimonial profile in which they are saying tall, fair descendant of god is looking for hard-working apsara with good salary and sambhar skills. This kind of ad works very well when you are looking for pest control service but not for future wife. I think those women are probably calling you just for the pleasure of hanging up.

A.J.C. Bose said even potted plants are sentient, so maybe you can write ad yourself? Try this: ‘Smart guy, loves cooking, will change nappies.’ Or: ‘Smart guy, loves cooking, says sorry.’ After this, you can add anything — ‘Alcoholic with squint eyes.’ ‘Omnivore with blue beard’. It will cease to matter.

Oh and don’t forget. You must cunningly insert the word ‘broad-minded’ somewhere. It is an umbrella hint to prospective bride which basically covers all bases — boy drinks, boy is divorced, boy murdered first wife, boy is unemployed, boy is carnivorous predator, etc. etc.

It takes care of all the preliminary chit-chat that in olden days used to take place over coffee-bajji-mysorepak. Once you do this, most probably when the women call you, they will simply ask, “Okay, what time you start every evening?” Which is a simple question even you can answer without preparation.

— AA

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Printable version | Sep 23, 2021 6:18:08 PM |

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