Recently I learnt a new word: copacetic. I have been dying to use it ever since so I thought I’d begin this column with it. That done, let’s move on to the topic of the day.
Today we shall mediate upon a new breed of illness. A disease so rare and hard to detect, most people mistake it for a virtue: gratitude. Wait, maybe I should hashtag it, or at least put some mind-numbing quote as a byline. For the world seems intent on expressing it and I can’t figure out why. Here are my main problems with gratitude online.
1. Have you earned your millions? Are you so famous that you can eschew money? Or were you simply dropped on your head as a baby? If neither of the above is true, then clearly you are faking it, and take it from someone who knows the trade, only the fake ones are up for a show.
2. Gratitude is like humility, if you know you have it then it’s magically gone. It’s over. The genie’s out and there's no use rubbing it a fourth time. So if you have plastered anything about how grateful you are in public, then you've already missed the point just by aiming for it.
3. I like excesses, it ensures that once you’ve had enough you won’t covet anymore. To try and achieve that satiety through a short cut is risky and unstable. Osho would’ve agreed and he was the coolest spiritual leader ever. (OK, except the Dalai Lama, but that’s not the point here.) The inexplicably grateful are to be feared: why’re they thanking the stars and the sun and the moon for nothing? It’s like me saying , “You’re welcome” to people who walk through doors that I courteously held open but never got acknowledged for.
4. Today it isn’t uncommon for people to live in metaphorical glass houses; logging every living moment on to some form of social online media — aka respectable voyeurism. Is this why people feel that unless they talk about it, others won’t know just how grateful they should be for having their gratitude?
5. And now for the gratitude test, it’s pretty simple really. Are you grateful? Do you feel like telling someone? If yes, then go back to question 1. Hallowed quotes on blurred backgrounds are as corny as B-grade porn and, when it comes from friends, it’s as awkward as finding your dad’s stash of aforementioned porn.
6. Here’s how to cure your gratitude infliction. Think of it like a hangover, or making out with a cousin: social retraction can be cathartic; reaching out only increases the ignominy. Stay away long enough and those sickly feelings will be conveniently replaced with ambition and a desire for success. Don’t let anyone tell you any different, but being grateful is like being special, made out to sound a lot better than is.
This column is for anyone who gives an existential toss
