Nothing makes me happier than the churn we are currently witnessing in our highly Western-biased, and, frankly, outdated education system. India’s most prominent living historical figure, Samrat Akshay Bhatia Twinklenath, set the ball rolling by talking of the mass ignoring of certain kings in history books. So filled was I with pride, that I binge-watched Singh Is King and Singh is Bling. Then came R. Madhavan, who highlighted the significance of the panchangam in astrophysics. More good news came via a ‘position paper on knowledge of India’ from Karnataka that rightfully pointed out that the Pythagoras theorem was fake news. Finally, our scholars are belling that elusive billi.
Naturally, this has prompted me to bring a few other glaring omissions in not just our history and science books, but our geography and recipe books, too, so that future generations of the world’s most populous country are educated right.
Abraham Lincoln, my foot
For too long, the Americans have been getting away with too much. I think the time has come to call the man everyone refers to as Abraham Lincoln by his real name: Abhiram Lingan. We have in our possession an authentic anonymous letter that proves Honest Abe was actually an Indian sage who went to the US to set up a Bharatanatyam school in Washington, DC, was diverted just before he had his arangetram, and, alas, decided to concentrate on abolishing slavery instead. I think at the bottom of the Lingan Memorial will be incontrovertible evidence of his antecedents. Priya patriotic NRI doston, kindly do the needful.
Gravity Was Invented By Sage Nutandas
For years we have been led to believe that gravity is the force that causes things to fall towards earth. And it always existed. This untruth was perpetrated by a charlatan called Isaac Newton who said he figured it out because an apple fell on his head. The truth is that, a thousand years before Newton, Sage Ishaku Nutandas didn’t discover, but invented, gravity because all the guavas in his orchard were ‘falling’ skywards making it impossible for him to make jam. And he did this by chanting the now-famous mantra ‘Tunak tunak tun tunak tunak tun da da da’ which made the guavas stop their upward travel, go ‘hmmm’ and fall to the ground instantly. Coincidentally, this was also the time pushpaka vimanams went out of circulation because they all began malfunctioning.
Ancient man’s first language was Hindi
Long ago, long before even the first cave drawings from about 45,000 years ago were found in Indonesia, man knew how to speak, speak perfectly, and speak in Hindi. In fact, there is strong evidence with an elite group of Swamijis that the first words ever uttered were by a cave-elder, a kind of a prehistoric Alok Nath, who told his cave-bahu, ‘Beti, ek garam-garam chai banao. Hunting-vunting karke thak gaye hum.’ That the Neolithic bahu responded with ‘Kezhavan-ku idaan velaiya pochu,’ adjusting her fur pallu demurely, is a counter-theory being put up by some south Indian historians.
Mount Everest was originally in India
Yes, you’ve heard me right. In 1953, when Hillary and Tenzing made it to the summit, they quietly moved the mountain – which was then smack dab in the middle of India – into foreign territory at the behest of a man whose code name was Rose Pandit. Now who could that be?
With my research team of WhatsApp warriors working overtime, Dear Reader, very soon I will share with you the hoax called the moon landing, how MRIs are a scam and biryani a double agent.
Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is a satirist. He has written four books and edited an anthology.
