I haven’t yet seen that movie about the mythological Rajput princess as eulogised in the Sufi poem which has raised much hue and cry among the workless masses of royal has-beens about distortion on the part of the director of a detail that wasn’t possible to factually corroborate in the first place. I know I could have simply said Padmaavat but that wouldn’t have allowed me to wax eloquent and impress you with the sheer girth of my knowledge on this contemporary rouse. Also, I am paid by word count and although Sri Sri Maganji is above many things, money isn’t one of them.
While on that moot topic of jauhar (s ati by another name really, more knowledge for you) it reminds me of another debatable debacle of the 21st century: Valentine’s Day, which, coincidentally, is just around the corner. OK, not coincidentally, I timed this piece to milk it for all the attention I can garner. I would have admitted that donations from the followers of my blind side-faith (not to be confused with my blindside faith) have dwindled but since they never picked up…
Anyway, moving on, if you haven’t already bought anything for your sweetheart, then you have come to the right place. No, I am not going to give you suggestions, but here are a few reasons you can cite why expecting a gift on Valentine’s from the love of your life is so wrong.
1. Love is about giving as long as it’s helping you get some, else it comes down to taking what you can get and then getting out. I really can’t explain this point anymore.
2.Take the attention away from your forgetfulness. Instead make ‘not buying a gift’ the ‘Greater Cause’. In fact always make things about the greater cause, gets way more social traction that way. For example, I never simply walk to the market because am too cheap to pay for parking, I do it for the ‘Greater Cause’ of reducing pollution and promoting fitness. Similarly, highlight the GC behind abandoning gifting as a sign of endearment. Comment on how the old saint who was getting couples married in secrecy, the one after whom this day is commemorated, would bring up bile if he ever saw all the corporate greed that fuels the festivities around this day. Hence no gift, because commoners forget but you purposefully overlooked.
3. Nothing today is considered sincere unless it has a hashtag to legitimise it. We will, thus, need a hashtag movement to get behind. Something that highlights just how hijacked this day of love is. I suggest #DontHallmarkLove or #CorporatelyYours. See, now even you believe that buying a gift would have been a waste of your intelligence.
4. Ad Absurdum is a lovely fallacy to fall back on and not only because it manages to sound wise and funny. Bring up the issue of honour killings and how the more we try to embrace the western philosophy of shopwindow-affection, the stronger the archaic staunch Spartan movement to keep everything under wraps gets. Us giving cards and pink elephants only incites the repressed Hind-tards to kill others who are visibly in love. As I re-read this, I realise this is not ad absurdum in our country at all!
5. Lastly, if you must give gifts, make them count, like say, something that helps others. And by earning such general goodwill, your partner will see you for the genuine catch you really are. A donation towards the Sri Sri Maganji (luxury) trust wouldn’t be out of place; that darned Louis VuittonXSupreme collaboration gear won’t buy itself.
If you are still perplexed about what to buy for your amour then you are clearly cerebrally challenged, which is a common symptom among those who claim to be lovestruck. Simply ignore all the wisdom I have just squandered and instead do something soppy, involving petals, glitter, a discounted deal of a dinner and some cheap plonk of a wine.
This column is for anyone who gives an existential toss.
