If I could be a child again with the knowledge I have today I most certainly won’t be foolish enough to say pilot or fireman when someone asks, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Instead, I would say I want to be rich and richer. And I would have a plan to get there too, to back up all that talk.
Now there are only a few ways that one can get rich quick: a corporate scam or a scam involving faith, aka religion. Sure there is politics, but that is for the utterly decrepit. Soulless corporates and fake religious godmen score over nefarious politicos, as is made clear by the existing power hierarchies in most long-stay prisons. While I am most willing to sell my soul for the right 10-digit price, politics is still too low to stoop, even for me.
But I wasted my youth on frivolous past-times instead of studying for my engineering entrance, which would have been the stepping stone to a hefty MBA, all the pre-requisites for an aspiring corporate scammer. Considering I was young before the Internet invaded our lives, I really have no excuse for my tardiness. So clearly, seeping away Buffett’s billions won’t be my plausible strategy. But religion, that ever-embracing veil of all things fake yet marvellous, is so open-to-all that if it had an entrance exam, the passing criteria would be just turning up!
I thus conclude that the time is ripe for me to start a religion. I would say cult, but I am not rock star enough for it. And unlike the current Godmen, both serving themselves or serving time, I plan to be a lot more corporate about things. First I need a name. How about Institution Dedicated to Initiating Open Talks (I.D.I.O.Ts). I will follow this up with conferences where everyone can speak at the same time. The ensuing bruit would surely yield some healthy ideas. These sessions I would call Brainstorming about Lynching Libtards (B.A.L.Ls). We will have lots of B.A.L.Ls and we would show them to all, loud and proud, as a sign of our I.D.I.O.T. virility.
Then the paraphernalia would follow. A theme-park summing up my early years, lore of how I got India Independence by chasing away the British single-handedly. Me building the India Gate, or Gateway of India. Me inventing macarons. Me abolishing taxes… no wait, scratch that. Basically me serving myself in the name of community, for there can be no greater good than helping (yourself to the money of) the masses. And these images of my altruism and valiancy would go on coasters and T-shirts. The brand, “Being Insaan”. Proceeds, of course, would go to charity, Society for Humanitarian Methods (S.H.A.M.).
Shortly, I would denounce China and proceed to sell everything from safety pins to double-engine private jets under this brand. Sure, they may still be made in China, for no religious guru should be so lucid in his communication or, Sri Sri Maganji forbid, comprehensible. Mystery is mired in ignorance; take away that and the magic just fades.
I will need to raise a lot money for all this (PR, spin doctors and happy endings don’t come cheap) so am starting a trust and seeking your generous contributions. It’s called ‘For Utterly Concerned Knights And Loyal Lovelies’ … abbreviate that one yourself!
This column is for anyone who gives an existential toss
