Before you hit the street (or the lamppost), take this driving test.
What is the most common accident?
A common and rather rude street mishap is rear-ending. You’re sitting in your car, reading helpful articles like this one, and you’re slammed from the back by some vehicle in a bad mood. As long as it’s called a car bumper, it will be bumped. 10 points and a pat on the back (after you’ve collected your missing vertebrae).
When must you never venture out?
If you said eclipse or electric storm, deduct 20 points. The highest cases of drinking and driving over, into or through non-driving objects like lampposts occur on Saturday nights. Drivers who are three-fourths liquid at this hour, somewhat like mother earth, are also known to get out of their cars, and in a brave bid to escape, try to ride away on a reluctant cow. Since they don’t have a four-legger licence, they’re booked for that as well.
Where on earth is safe?
Ten points if you don’t know because no one else does either. However, fake news claims that Chennai saw the most traffic accidents in India in the last decade. Please migrate to Bengaluru, where you will never hit another car because no car ever moves. Traffic gridlocks make for great excuses to never make meetings on time. And given the right company, they could also account for the population increase.
Which person must you never share the road with?
You must urge your pregnant wife to keep the kid she’s about to deliver, safely inside, when a politician decides to come to town. Neither must you walk/ sit/ play/ sleep on pavements when rich and famous persons are behind the wheel or swear they’re not behind the wheel. Deduct 30 points for swearing.
Who are the best drivers?
Women drivers are unfairly accused of putting on left turn indicators and turning right. The last person who accused a woman driver of bad driving still has a tooth missing (and my right fist still hurts). Add 40 points if you’re a woman.
How do you avoid accidents?
While looking up facts, I was struck by this intelligent warning: ‘During storms, you are more likely to be struck by a falling branch.’ And here I thought I would be struck by lightning because of all those chain mails I haven’t forwarded.
The safest time to drive is therefore between 3.14 and 3.17am when no politicians, rear-enders, cows, reporters or Martians are around. None at all – except potholes. How pointless it all is!
Where Jane De Suza, the author of Happily Never After, talks about the week’s quirks, quacks and hacks
