Spit Take! Life & Style

Dialogue With Dr Funky

Illustration: Sreejith R Kumar  

There are days when deep-diving into His Divine Wiseness, Dr Funky Astral Kumar’s life-saving quotes alone doesn’t do it for me. I need a live, one-on-one exchange with him from time to time to have my faith in life restored. I’m blessed that Guruji gave me a tatkal entry. Given below, for the benefit of his fans from across the globe, is the gist of our life-affirming exchange.

His Divine Wiseness: Why are you here, my son?

Me: Feeling a bit down, Guruji. So I wanted to see you.

HDW (smiling mystically): Do the sirasasana, son. Immediately.

Me: Why, Guruji? Is it... er... because blood will rush to my head and make me feel better?

HDW (laughing supernaturally): You’d think that, but no. Didn’t you say you were down? What happens when you stand on your head? Down becomes Up. And Up becomes Down. Proving that it is all a matter of perception, leading to the divine union of the feminine–masculine in the yin-yang of the jingbang. More importantly, when you do the asana, your wallet will fall out and we will be able to take your credit card without troubling you.

Me (sobbing gratefully): Dhanyosmi, Astral Guruji, dhanyosmi.

HDW: What else ails you, my son? Tell me fearlessly.

Me: Why are they making a sequel to Gadar: Ek Prem Katha, Guruji? Why now? Isn’t the world suffering enough?

HDW: Do you know what Bhishma Pitamaha said as he lay dying on a bed of arrows?

Me: What did he say, Guruji?

HDW (scrolling on his phone): I don’t know. That’s why I asked you. I’m taking part in a closed-group quiz for Gurujis.

Me: Oh... okay... but what about Gadar’s sequel, Guruji, if you don’t mind?

HDW (smiling paranormally): What is a sequel, my child? It is a continuation, isn’t it? Gadar Part 2 is just an example of the space-time continuum... with Sunny Paaji taking up space in our time. It is all Maya... Memsaab. It could have been far worse. Imagine if they’d made a sequel to Singh Saab The Great. Next question.

Me: I have an inexplicable ache in my stomach, Guruji. I’ve had a bunch of tests done, docs say there isn’t a thing wrong with me but it continues to worry me.

HDW: Come close, my son.

I obeyed Guruji.

Ker-thwack!

Me: Neeyabba! What the? Why did you punch me so hard in the stomach, Guruji?

HDW: Does it hurt?

Me: Yes (sobbing) like hell.

HDW (tittering metaphysically): See, now you know the cause of your stomach ache. Next question.

Me (wiping away my tears): My istriwalla Marimuthu has no respect for me, Guruji. Despite my repeated requests, he irons my jeans with a front crease. This is disturbing me, Your Wiseness.

HDW (shoulders shaking in silent laughter): So simple. Just wear your jeans sideways. The crease will go to either side then.

Me: But if I turn my jeans sideways, won’t I be able to wear only one leg? What about my other side?

HDW: Do you have another pair?

Me: Yes.

HDW: Wear them on the other leg. Simple.

Me: Guruji... er... wouldn’t it be simpler to send my jeans to another istriwalla?

HDW: Wrong. That is an admission of weakness. Do you know what Bakasura said to the villager when he came to offer himself as food?

Me: No, Guruji. What did he say?

HDW (giggling psychically): Apply ginger-garlic paste on yourself and wait a bit. I am chopping the onions and coriander.

Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is a satirist. He has written four books and edited an anthology.


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Printable version | Nov 29, 2021 6:37:13 PM | https://www.thehindu.com/life-and-style/dialogue-with-dr-funky/article37122292.ece

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