Dear Videshi (exotic) Cheetah Bhaiyon aur Behnon (brothers and sisters),
Of all the cheetahs in the world, you, the blessed eight, have been chosen to have this unique privilege. Believe me, this isn’t random. If your horoscopes are checked by a certified astrologer, you will see your move to the greatestest country in the world was preordained.
Anyway, now that you’ve been here for a fortnight, a few suggestions for you to transition smoothly into our ancient, if exacting, culture, and win the approval of our ever-vigilant citizenry.
First, your diet. Do not believe those charts made up by destabilising forces from around the world that paint us as a predominantly non-vegetarian nation. As if. We are 99.99% vegetarian and invented gobi (cauliflower) manchurian and vegetarian omelette for this very reason. The other .01% may order 6 lakh mutton biryanis on Swiggy every day but pay no heed. You’ve heard the old saying when in Rome, right? So when in Satwik Bharath, you know, it wouldn’t hurt if you laid off the prime cuts of chital, nilgai and sambar (Asian deer), and opted for idli-sambar instead. Or better still, dhokla, khakra and fafda.
Secondly, if I am not mistaken, there are three boys and five girls among you. Here’s what you need to do immediately. In our culture, please understand, it is always one boy-one girl. As the great sage Yash Chopra once said, ‘Love is faith. And faith is forever’. Quickly pair up for life and make the two leftover single cheetah behens tie rakhis to the three boy cheetahs and remove all confusion. Also when nanhe munhe cheetah kitties come along, as they will in such a honeymoonesque vatavaran (atmosphere), the unmarried sister cheetahs can help the mommy felines raise them to be good, god-fearing Bharatiya cheetahs. The little boy cheetahs could be taught how to be patriotic, so that, one day, they could be part of SS Rajamouli’s film where they fight the British. The cheetah betis (daughters) could learn light music, crochet and how to prepare proper elaichi (cardamom) tea for the cheetah elders.
My advice to you, dear spotted brothers and sisters, is that when you tweet about your homesickness, make sure you always talk about the glory, hospitality, scientific advancement, business opportunities and the unbearable beauty of your new home, Bharat, which we all know is greater than any country in the universe. You will have more followers than Alia Bhatt in no time. And everyone will bless you with flag, namaste, diya and heart emojis and applaud your humility.
Also, learn Hindi. It is the language that binds our nation together. Yes, Tamil, Telugu, Malayalam, Marathi, are all good...to a certain degree. But Hindi is a must. Learn to chirp, yelp, moan and growl in Hindi. One of our foremost seers, currently operating from his own country, is upgrading the vocal chords of cows and dogs as we speak. Cheetahs won’t be a stretch for him. While this effort may tempt you to watch Hindi films, exercise caution. All those who love our splendiferous country are boycotting Bollywood in droves. A particular section of it, that is. If you must watch Hindi films so you can say things like ‘Kyun, ho gaya na?’ (It happened, didn’t it?) or ‘Mein maa banne wali hoon’ (I’m pregnant), stick to Akki and Kangy’s films. Grade A stuff.
We will be keeping a close watch on you, doston (friends). Fail us not.
Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is a satirist. He has written four books and edited an anthology.
