A recent news report estimated India’s wedding industry to be worth $40 billion (around Rs.2.5 lakh crore). Whether it’s the venue, the outfits, jewels or the other bells and whistles, as a nation, we do tend to forget frugality when it comes to hosting a wedding.
With so much money being spent and generated on a ceremony that ranges from a day to a week at the most, not many would like to speak about the other, darker side of the story: divorce.
Accurate numbers are hard to come by and may not look as high as those in Western countries; anecdotal estimates say that only one in a hundred marriages fails in India, compared to half in the United States. But changing social norms and greater financial independence have trickled down to smaller cities like Tiruchi and Madurai to make divorce a new reality for many couples.
Divorce still carries a social stigma in smaller cities, especially for women. However, it has not stopped many couples from deciding to call it quits, unlike earlier generations where unhappy marriages were meant to be endured.
The basic nature of complaints has changed too. Earlier, women stated dowry harassment and abuse by alcoholic husbands as common reasons for divorce. These days, a ‘lack of understanding’ underpins most divorce petitions from both men and women.
With a majority of marriages still arranged by parents and relatives in India, there are certain expectations that both the prospective groom and bride (coyly referred to as ‘boy’ and ‘girl’ until they are declared a couple), have to meet, says Professor N. Manimekalai, Director and Head, Department of Women’s Studies, Bharathidasan University, who has been a relationship counsellor for the past ten years. “The woman should not earn more, and should not be more intelligent than the man. This is how we condition the male in Indian society. But we fail to understand that this kind of subordination cannot continue for generations,” she says.
Trigger points
The causative factors that lead to marital break-up are often the same for rural couples as well, says Dr. John Viswanathan, a consultant orthopaedic surgeon at the Manapparai Government Hospital, and an informal family and marriage counsellor for the past seven years. “Besides a disorganised family background, misguidance and pressure from parents, friends and relatives often stresses out couples in the villages too,” he says. “Alcoholism, addiction to pornography (growing among women of late) and passive aggression leading to a ‘mental war’ between the spouses are some of the problems we see in rural areas,” he adds.
Many cracks in the marriage are first revealed when women come looking for assistance for livelihood issues, for this is when it becomes obvious that marital incompatibility is the root cause, says Manimekalai.
The professor also counsels infertile couples, another category at high risk of divorce due to childlessness. “Fertility treatment is expensive. Yet there are people who will sell all their property for the sake of bearing a child, but refuse to consider adoption,” she says.
What the law says
The Principal Sub Judge, Principal District Judge and the Family Court all deal with divorce and maintenance cases (for Hindus and Christians) in Tiruchi, according to the residency status of the couple within or outside the Corporation limits. Muslims usually take recourse to the Shariah law.
As many as 303 Hindu marriage petitions were filed in 2014 and 18 so far this year, at the Principal Sub Judge court, whose jurisdiction is outside the Corporation limits.
A total of 104 maintenance cases were filed at the Family Court last year.
Says S. Martin, president, Tiruchirapalli Bar Association, “Most of the divorce cases are filed under mental or physical cruelty. Usually it is women who seek divorce, with the trigger being cruelty or misunderstanding.”
The Supreme Court guideline directs judges to refer divorce cases to mediation as a matter of routine, he adds. “All effort is made to preserve the marriage first,” says Martin. “Sometimes the judge himself will sit on the case and try to resolve the differences. Most people are unaware that they can ask for a lawyer free of cost from the Legal Aid Centre, or select one who will be paid for by the State.”
Many matrimonial disputes, and misuse of the laws in a vengeful manner can be avoided with premarital counselling feels Martin. “Arranged marriage is like an experiment, and when there is a difference in expectations, it can lead to break-up,” he says. “Some churches are counselling couples for a week informally, introducing them to the many aspects of married life. There are many secular family counselling centres in the city, but people approach them only when there is a problem, not as a preventive measure.”
The rise of the DINK (Double Income No Kids) couple and co-habitation as societal trends have made it harder for young people to maintain traditional marital relationships, says Dr. Viswanathan. “Intrusive technology takes away quality time that can be spent with the family, and also gives immediate (and possibly wrong) answers to small problems that could be otherwise settled in the due course of time,” he adds.
As more ‘marriages of choice’ take place in smaller cities, “life skills are necessary for every couple, particularly self-awareness, empathy and a strong inter-personal relationship to understand gender, power relations and life,” concludes Professor Manimekalai.
