I currently have three friends who are on the ketogenic diet. They say all kinds of wonderful things about it – apparently, best of all being the fact that they get to live on butter and bacon. You have to admit, the thought of greasily sliding your way into an itsy bitsy bikini aided by deep-fried chicken wings is irresistibly seductive.
Besides, I’m fascinated by diets. I carefully wrote down the champagne diet, which was floating around the Internet for a while. Designed to deal with “party season,” it advocates a week of living on nothing but yoghurt and champagne. I got the yoghurt part down perfectly. Unfortunately, I wasn’t invited to enough glittering parties to meet the rest of my dietary requirements.
But let’s not get sidetracked. I pinned down one of the keto guys to get his diet. Breakfast is an omelette cooked in butter. Lunch consists of deep-fried chicken. And for dinner, he eats steak, followed by sugar-free chocolate ice cream.
“I don’t think it is proper keto though,” he sighs sadly. “I just can’t eat enough fat.” Fat? Now there’s a unique problem. We’ve spent most of our lives avoiding fat, and now we’re told to run into its pudgy arms with the enthusiasm of a weepy Bollywood heroine. Since coconut oil is king of the keto circuit, I suggest bulletproof coffee: coffee whipped with tablespoons of butter, coconut oil and cream. We shudder in unison. I love coconut oil with a passion — but this is too much even for me.
However, I’m in Kerala right now, so it seems appropriate to dive into coconuts this week. In trendy keto fashion, I get my hands on a bowl of freshly grated coconut. Then, since I’m not on a diet, I blend in eggs, sugar, butter, flour and a cup of coconut milk. The result is a refreshingly light, spongy, gently-scented cake. Too lazy to ice it, I generously sprinkle the crusty surface with more shredded coconut. If this doesn’t make me a star on Instagram’s coconut-obsessed circuit, I don’t know what will. Inspired by the wave of coconut-enthusiasm sweeping the world, there’s an impressive range of products available in India now. A far change from the days when that plastic blue bottle of oil was all we knew. Now, you get multiple variants of oil: virgin, organic, cold-pressed… I’m especially impressed by Calicut-based Elements Fair Organic’s version. The company partners with farmers to create a product that not just ticks all the right boxes, but is even sold in stylish, eco-friendly glass jars.
Most commercial coconut oil comes from processing copra, or dried coconut. A friend’s mother, who has been making her own oil for years from coconuts grown around her sprawling bungalow, explains how virgin oil is made from coconut milk. It’s a laborious process at her house, where every step is done by hand. The result, however, is a delectably fragrant oil, that is delicious in salads and feels fantastic on your skin.
According to the Coconut Development Board (Ministry of Agriculture & Farmers Welfare, Government of India), by 2015, Kerala had more than 649,000 hectares of land dedicated to coconuts, followed by Karnataka and Tamil Nadu, with approximately 515,000 and 465,000 hectares, respectively. There’s a twist in the tale. Although Tamil Nadu has fewer hectares of coconuts, it’s far more productive than Kerala with 14,873 nuts per hectare, as opposed to Kerala’s 7535.
Over the years, production as well as productivity have risen considerably in India. In 1950, we produced 5,238 nuts per hectare, and last year, it was 10,345, making us the third biggest producer in the world after Indonesia and the Philippines.
I get all these numbers off the Coconut Board, which has a website that gives the impression of being a geeky academic in disco mode with its wily blend of flashing lights and austere spreadsheets.
They list a wide range of products, including an admittedly bizarre pineapple coconut milkshake. There’s coconut sugar, of course. And ‘neera’, which is nutritious and bouncing with minerals. The coconut flower syrup, made by cooking down neera, sounds appropriately exotic — till it is eclipsed by tender coconut snowballs made by skilfully slicing away husk till all that is left is a wobbly sphere of goodness. I’d like to end by virtuously saying that no ice cream can top that. But let’s be honest: Imagine it filled with champagne.
If anyone ever starts a keto-coconut-champagne diet after this, remember to send me royalties. I’ll be sitting by my mailbox. I haven’t given up on being invited to those glittering parties — yet.
Fruit lollies — the most virtuous way to cheat on your diet. Blend a variety of fruits into a thick juice and pop them in the freezer.
Sugar-laden syrupy cocktails. Pinterest is full of ideas for alternatives. Start with coconut water and gin.
