Last week, my old classmates were jabbering excitedly on a Zoom call. ‘Enough!’ I shouted over everyone else. ‘Mute your mics. Mute!’ Suitably chastised, they muted their mics while I spent the rest of the call telling them how to be silent and calm. A few classmates fell asleep. This is the calming effect of my voice.
It is because I have become self-actualised of late. During this lockdown, while people were cooking, washing, going grey, I folded my legs into pretzels in front of my screen and downloaded one online course after another, on Self-healing, Psyhcobabblography, ShuttingOutShouters, DelvingDeepIntoMyself. My kids whined about being hungry and then finally ate all the packaged chips in the house for breakfast, lunch and dinner. They then whined about stomach aches. I told them to shut themselves in the bathroom and self-heal. It is the new mantra.
No one should step into anyone else’s life. Do not get involved. Be strong and independent like me. Let those in pain go be in pain somewhere else. If they are near me, they bring their neediness and pain into my sphere. For example, when the neighbours call for something they need like salt or aspirin, I say, ‘No, because I’m social distancing, but I will pray that you learn to manage without it.’
My friend called in tears because her father was diagnosed positive. I told her, in my calming voice, to be positive too, and to stop dumping her negativity into my life. I then opened my screen to stare at pixelated waves and sunlit skies, to the rhythm of deep tissue healing music. ‘I am beautiful. I am kind. I am a source of love and light,’ I repeated beatifically after the online teacher.
I have stopped following the news about all those poor suffering people. Instead, I wish them deep inner peace. ‘Their inners don’t want peace, they want food,’ said my spouse. I closed my eyes, covered my ears and focussed on myself. I can then shut out everyone else, especially his niggling voice, or is it my own conscience? Anyway, I do not need to help the suffering because all my online courses have assured me that it is most important to love myself and help myself.
Two days back, I woke up with a fever. It was tough to keep floating on my high moral cloud when I kept coughing. My spouse had long-since taken our kids to their grandparents to be fed. My neighbours said sorry, they were social distancing. My classmates stayed silent. My friends said they were proud that I was so strong and independent, and to be positive. How selfish they all are! How will I self-heal when no one is helping me?
Where Jane De Suza, author of Flyaway Boy , pokes her nose into our perfect lives
