When I entered my office at Ullu Banao, India’s only music placement agency, on Tuesday morning, I saw a red carpet and some TV journalists. My boss Sangeet Naukri Ghusanewala, dressed in a tuxedo, was trying a cross between Kathak foot movements and Al Pacino dialogues.
“Sir, all okay?” I asked. He used a Bee Gees falsetto to respond, “Kansur, haven't you seen the Granny awards? Venus Williams won most.” It took me a while to figure. Out of politeness, loyalty and an urge to get my daily vodka quota, I replied, “Sir, it's Grammy, not Granny. And it wasn’t Venus Williams or Freddie Mercury, but Bruno Mars.” Ghusanewala got into Metallica mode, and screeched, “You're on another planet.”
I left him alone and went to my glass cabin. But I peeped inquisitively. His secretary Bulbul’s attire was a cross between Jennifer Lopez, Shakira and Mallika Sherawat. Her face didn’t match. Pet monkey Bandar Bhai wore a shirt that kept flying off like Salman Khan’s in Dabangg . Obviously, the cameramen had left. Ghusanewala noticed me. His tone changed, as it has done when he wanted quick ideas. He said, “Kansur Ji, let's start the Ullu Banao music awards.” I told him, “Great idea, but we need to give it a different name. Most awards fit in the ullu banao category anyway.”
He liked the suggestion. His pet monkey sang in Led Zeppelin ‘Black Dog’ tune, “Bandar banao awards.” Bulbul didn’t know the difference between an owl, a black dog and an Old Monkey. She searched Google and reacted, “Yo yo.” Ghusanewala was thrilled. He rapped, “Let’s give the first lifetime music achievement award to Yo Yo. My honey Bulbul, note it down.” He was totally confused when I asked him, “You mean that song ‘Yeh Zindagi Hai Yo Yo’ from the 1950s film Aaram ?”
Knowing Ghusanewala, he changed the topic. “Last week, I read about the Padmaavat awards.” I corrected him, saying they were the Padma awards, given to very senior and respected musicians. Ghusanewala was in his own space, and shot back, “Let's change the rules. We invent a new category called Padmaavat Award and give it to Sanjay Leela Bhansali.”
Now what to say? Bulbul suddenly danced in a Deepika Padukone costume, her nose intact. My mind, body and hairdo went ‘Ghoomar Ghoomar Ghumey’. I soon reminded them that a song called ‘Ullu Ka Pattha’ from the film Jagga Jasoos got the best lyrics award when half the song went ‘Unhone udhone, aen hoon, kae koon’ or something like that. What poetry! Far better than ‘D.K.. Bose’.
Ghusanewala sounded like a balladic ballet involving a bray, bark, buffalo, buzzing bees, Bunty, Babli, Babumoshai Bachchan and Batman. He boomed, “Let's make money... Sue them for using the word ‘Ullu’. It's our copyright.”
By now, I needed a few large vodkas and a Granny award for tolerance and patience. Thankfully, Bandar Bhai came to my rescue, singing that legendary Himesh Reshammiya composition ‘Jaast cheel cheel, jaast cheeel...’ Phew!
