Today, the level of freedom that we expect to have, and the type of decisions we want to take by ourselves, would have been unheard of while our parents were growing up. In the pursuit of independence, how often have you tried having discussions with your parents that start off civil but end as loud shouting matches? Too often? Then maybe these tips will be of help:
1. Sow the seed for dialogue : Whether we realise it or not, our culture has always hammered home the “keep calm and carry on” mentality. If you have a problem that makes you emotionally vulnerable, the expectation is that you bottle it up, take a deep breath and go on with life. The concept of talking to family about our feelings, or asking for help in dealing with emotional issues is still foreign to many of us.
However, this is a chance for you to reshape the family’s dynamics. It could start with something as straightforward as opening up about exam stress and asking for help in managing it. By introducing such issues in your conversations with your parents, you’re allowing them to get used to the idea that talking about these things is ok.
2. Make your position water-tight: Parents are much more likely to push back during a difficult conversation when you give them reasons to doubt your judgment. For instance, they are not going to take your interest in pursuing a creative writing programme seriously if you’ve never shown any serious inclination towards writing before. Similarly, they will dismiss the idea of dating as an unnecessary distraction if your performance in school has dropped since you acquired a girl/boyfriend. Given this, it is important that you do your homework and make sure that any possible argument they might have can be reasoned with using logic and past examples of your impeccable behaviour.
3. Plan your strategy: Get the timing and presentation of your argument right. If, historically, you have had no trouble opening up to your parents, then you can sit down and explain your problem to them while together. However, in many households, it’s not uncommon to find parents playing good cop-bad cop. One parent is more easy-going and practical, and can be counted on for support, while the other is more volatile and likely to oppose you on hot button topics. In this situation, you might want to talk to the “good cop” first and get them on your side before presenting your case to the “bad cop”.
Additionally, timing is important. Wanting to get married to your boyfriend while both of you are still in college and financially dependent on parents is less likely to work in your favour than if you were to broach the topic when both of you are gainfully employed. Meanwhile, you can always drop gentle hints about the fact that you are dating somebody while in college, so that the news of marriage does not come as a complete surprise.
4. Choose your battles wisely: Remember, your parents only want what’s best for you, though sometimes their logic might seem misguided. So give them time to adjust, and make compromises when you can. For instance, if you want to live on your own, allow them to assist you on your hunt for an apartment. Help them feel like they were a part of the decision-making process with you. Good luck on your road to independence!
The author is a psychologist and management consultant. krithvis@gmail.com
