As they say, “a new year, a new you”. This time, I am actually living out every cliché in the New Year’s resolution book. I joined a gym (with a special New Year’s joining discount, no less); started eating more healthy (my daily cupcake intake has reduced significantly); and am attempting to actually read books from start to finish (rather than discarding them midway and reaching for the next shiny new book in the vicinity). It has only been a week and I am feeling unrealistically optimistic about how long these new habits can be sustained.
In my haste to make “2019 Me” a better, stronger and smarter version of “2018 Me”, I overlooked the fact that there were snapshots of 2018 Me which were fine as they were. They did not need to be dragged through a “New Year’s resolution” filter to look good. So, the optimism I have begun to feel is no longer limited towards just developing new habits. It is also about feeling more positive about myself.
Agreement matters
This is my newest resolution: to be at peace with myself. Maybe the promise of self-acceptance is what we all need to make to ourselves before we embark on a journey of self-improvement.
Self-acceptance isn’t just about identifying and acknowledging that you have strengths. It is also about acknowledging that there are things about you that aren’t so great, that you could either work on changing or may be unable to change at all, and being ok with that.
It is difficult to always think positive. We all get overwhelmed with negative thoughts about our situation, some of us more frequently than others. In fact, there is a form of therapy that draws from the concept of mindfulness to helps people overcome this. ACT — Acceptance and Commitment Therapy — is all about managing negative thoughts and feelings, and committing to our goals for change. Instead of trying to suppress or avoid negative thoughts, ACT preaches acceptance — allowing the thoughts and feelings to come, acknowledging and experiencing them, then changing the way you perceive them.
A good test of this self-acceptance would perhaps be to see how one manages failure. For instance, failure to keep up resolutions, or to reach goals that you set for yourself personally or professionally. How do you typically deal with failure? Does it result in you setting lower expectations for yourself or in judging yourself harshly? If so, this year, why not aim to increase your awareness of these tendencies? This means accepting when negative thoughts come, but instead of wallowing in them, figuring out what is making you feel this way; what you can do about it to change or improve your situation, and which of your strengths you can use to do this.
We have grown up in a society where we are always told that we can do better and be better, so, self-acceptance is not something that might come naturally or easily, but we all have to start somewhere. This new year isn’t about the new you or the old you; why not just make it about you?
The author is a psychologist and management consultant. krithvis@gmail.com
