‘I understand.’
She looked down.
Shanmugam got up and walked around the room. He went in and fetched his cigarette packet, lighter, and the ashtray. He lit up a cigarette and slowly drew four puffs. Then looking at the smoke rings rising up he said, ‘My hair has not gone grey, Anjali. But one day, do you know, when I was shaving, I saw a white bristle on my chin… at Veena’s wedding. I felt a rush… I must prove to myself before its too late that I’m not yet old, and still have youth’s traces in me and comfort myself. That’s why…’
‘So you chased youth, in search of your youth.’ A voice came from the bowed head.
‘Yes, exactly. How well you understand me, Anjali.’
The bowed head and shoulders shook slightly. Astonished, Shanmugam looked at her.
‘Why are you crying? What has happened?’
She did not look up. The trembling didn’t stop.
‘ Chi .. chi , Anjali why are you so silly?’ Shanmugam lost patience and snuffed out his cigarette in the ashtray.
‘You must be happy because you should know that unless I loved you deeply, I would not have told you. Instead of that you are crying? What has happened? You are the one who has the status of my wife. Not she. Moreover, I will never do this again. I have appeased my longing. It’s not a problem anymore. The restlessness in my heart has ceased. I am ready to grow old now. I’ve also unburdened my heart by telling you. There’s nothing to cry about.’
She continued to sob.
‘Are you going to stop crying or not?’
A life-long habit of doing what that voice ordered made her hand wipe her eyes, distancing itself from the ache in her heart.
‘Ah. This is my Anjali.’ He got up and patted her back. Then he stretched himself slowly.
‘Appada! Whatever it is one can relax only at home. I’ll call Veena. I couldn’t talk to her for long from the station. Is my child happy?’
Without waiting for her answer, Shanmugam rang his daughter.
Anjali lifted her hand. Though the wetness had been wiped away from the eyes, the sorrow remained. Her breath heaved and drowned in her heart.
‘Yes, oh yes. Not just Kurnool, I saw the whole of Andhra,’ Shanmugam said and winked at his wife. ‘The house looks empty without you, Veena.…’
How naturally, without being conscious that anything had happened and without any regret or remorse, he is able to carry on a conversation. Anjali could not take her eyes off his smiling and satisfied face. His mind is clear and his heart light. As soon as he had confessed the truth to his wife, his burden rolled away. He will break faith, then without owning any responsibility, he will make his wife bear even that burden and cleanse himself easily!
After talking to Veena, Shanmugam came back and sat on the sofa before her. ‘Veena and our son-in-law are going for some dance performance. She said she’ll come here after it’s over. The silly girl asks me is it okay if it is past 10 o’clock.’
Anjali was silent.
‘Keep some warm milk ready for them.’
She didn’t move. She kept looking at him. Her lips tightened so the lines around her mouth deepened.
‘What are you looking at me like that for, Anjali? Oh, are you still thinking of what I told you? You must be crazy. Didn’t I tell you it won’t happen again? I have revisited my youth. My problem is over. Now I’m happy we can forget the matter. What’s the menu for the night? When the children come after the dance performance, can we all eat together?’
Anjali did not break her silence.
‘So you won’t say anything? You just said you had the same feelings. But in the end, you have not understood me. Is that it, then, finally?’ Irritably, he dragged the cigarette box towards him, pulled out a cigarette, and put it to his lips.
Can this insensitivity to another’s pain go unpunished? Anjali’s face quivered for a moment and then became calm. There was a new expression in those eyes which looked at him… as if floating in a dream, an elusive expression.
‘That’s not it. I’m thinking …’ she said softly.
‘Thinking of what?’ he asked bending over to light the cigarette with his lighter.
‘The thought that though I felt the same way as you, I never realized that there could be a solution to it—until you told me.’
‘See.’ And she smiled.
He looked up sharply and stared at her.
Suddenly, he went pale.
