Equal loves, equal lives

‘Each one of us has our own demons, so there is no disability versus no-disability’

June 24, 2017 04:23 pm | Updated 05:30 pm IST

Shivani (name changed), 25, is a visual merchandiser in a private company in Mumbai. She could be on any of the numerous apps that promise to help people find their “ideal match”. For young Indians not looking to take the plunge within days of meeting someone online, the dating app options are multiplying every day. But she refrained from registering with any of them. Instead, she signed up for a dating app that is primarily focussed on people with disabilities.

Why would she do that?

“I was studying in London and had a friend who had a disability. It changed my perspective of how I saw people with disabilities. Not only did I realise that they were like any of us but also that everyone has something special to share with the world. When I came back to India, I became open to options when it came to dating and marriage,” she said.

She downloaded Inclov, touted to be the first matchmaking app for persons with disabilities and health disorders, and says she has had “good conversations” so far. Interestingly, Shivani is not the only person on Inclov without a disability and open to dating or marrying someone with one. Far from it.

“Almost 40% of our app users are persons without disabilities and they come from a diverse pool—doctors, Ph.D holders, entrepreneurs, and more. We have algorithms for the ‘most suitable profile,’ and though we cannot disclose what that is, disability is definitely not a factor that is taken into consideration,” says Shankar Srinivasan, co-founder of Inclov (called Loveability earlier).

The app has amassed close to 10,000 users so far, and has seen around 5,000 ‘matches’ since 2016, when it started. How many of these end up as long-term relationships or culminate in marriage is not clear, however.

Diverse, but inclusive

The large number of users without disabilities has helped the app achieve what its creators intended when they conceived it—to usher in inclusiveness in the matchmaking space for persons with special needs. An online search for matchmaking options for persons with disabilities in India throws up plenty of results, but all for marriage. And that too under a separate category called, rather puzzlingly, ‘Handicapped Matrimony’. While exploring dating apps for people with disabilities abroad, Srinivasan and his colleagues found responses in the feedback section asking why persons with disability had to compulsarily only date other persons with disability.

It is in this context that Inclov came into the picture. And now, Srinivasan says, several people without disabilities even participate in ‘Social Spaces’, Inclov’s offline meets. So far, they have had 20 such meets, in all kinds of spaces—pubs, hotels, parks, cafes and even a yoga studio—across cities; New Delhi, Bengaluru, Chennai and Mumbai. But these meets are not aimed solely at romantic liaisons. They are also places where people can find friends or casual dates without the usual social stigma or worries of accessibility associated with such social settings.

Inclov’s offline meets are not just for romantic liaisons. People also find friends and casual dates without the usual social stigma.

Inclov’s offline meets are not just for romantic liaisons. People also find friends and casual dates without the usual social stigma.

A varied bunch of people without disabilities are open to dating or marrying persons with disabilities . “Some of them have a parent with a disability. So they are more inclined to marrying someone with a disability, as their partner will be more understanding towards their parent/s. Some have worked in NGOs in the disability space. There are also those who have someone close to them with a disability, making them more open to meeting people without any internal discrimination,” explains Srinivasan.

As Shivani says, “Each one of us has our own demons, so there is no disability versus no-disability. I have lived with a person with a disability and it is not as big an obstacle as it is made out to be. It is about finding someone with common interests. I have also realised that persons with disabilities do not take things for granted.”

Parul Aggarwal, 26, who works in digital marketing in New Delhi, has a slightly different approach: “I came to know about Inclov and Social Spaces and attended one offline meet purely out of an interest for photography. To be honest, it was not my plan to date someone with a disability. But at the event I realised that a lot of persons with disabilities are not born that way, but became disabled due to accidents or illness. I started thinking, if I were already married and my husband acquired a disability later, would I abandon him? Then what is wrong if I fall in love with someone with a disability?”

But what about family and friends? Does it take more of an effort to convince them? Shivani admits judging people based on physical attributes is not uncommon. But hailing from a family that has had its share of inter-religious and inter-caste marriages, having them accept someone with disability is not going to need much convincing, she adds.

For Parul, it is the least of her problems. “I am an independent woman who does not need to be taken care of. The people I have met so far are all well qualified and earning well. Two earning members of a family can lead a comfortable life and that is all I need. Also, there is orthodoxy in many Indian families. If I find someone worth fighting for, I will fight.”

A bit surprised

The positive response from persons without disabilities to an inclusive app has left its users “surprised, albeit pleasantly”.

Manish Raj, 34, works in an IT multinational. He suffers from polio. He signed up for Inclov over a year ago to find and interact with people whom he could identify with. Today, he has a new set of friends—with and without disabilities—who he meets at least once every month. And his choice for a partner is not restricted to someone with a disability. “The perception about persons with disabilities has definitely changed, and for the better,” he says.

But not everyone is willing to make the leap. Entrepreneur Gonika Luthra, 32, has cerebral palsy and runs her family business in New Delhi. She gave the app a try, but the results didn’t meet her expectations. “I am looking for someone who wants a serious relationship. But I am certain I don’t want to be with someone without a disability. There should be equality in a relationship and an able person may not understand my problems,” she says.

deepika.kc@thehindu.co.in

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