If you think technology has made our lives complicated, spare a thought for the mobile phones

Ask any mobile and it will tell you that one of the biggest problems it faces is Electro Mannetic Radiation (EMR) — in other words, harmful radiation from man, in the form of body odour and bad breath — that can send it into a state of shock. The problem is not only limited to such unsafe emission, but also to prolonged exposure to nonsensical conversations carried out by people with suboptimal intelligence. This is measured by mobiles in SAR — Simply Awful Rants. The next generation of mobile phones have been instructed to choose their owners based on the SAR ratings, as high SAR values can spell doomsday for them.

Research has also shown that mobiles suffer from acute thermal effects because of staying pressed to the face of the speaker, as a result of which his body heat gets to the phone. Phones suffering from this problem have reported several symptoms, ranging from faded and jaded display screens to a sense of numbness, where they don’t respond to touch. Other symptoms include needless vibration during the most inappropriate of times, erratic sleep modes, partial or complete memory loss, poor reaction times and occasional blank calls.

A few mobiles decided to save themselves through an ingenious technique — they would die on their human owner in the middle of a call, leaving him stranded mid-stride, mid-sentence and hopefully in the middle of the street he was crossing. But man’s power of coercion is legendary — he would take the mobile apart, pull the battery out, rub it against his dirty jeans, and put it back. So mobiles quietly went back to work, fearing infection. Besides, worse things could happen to them. They could be sent to some shady service centre in the neighbourhood, where their body parts could be removed and sold at exorbitant prices abroad.

Meanwhile, the mobile union has risen up in arms, protesting against the way mobiles are being exploited. “In the good old days, there were only GSM and CDMA to contend with — and life was simpler,” sighed a clunky Motorola with a gargantuan antenna sticking out of its head. “We just had to make and receive calls and send a few SMSes — even these were rationed because of high air-time costs. But now, with Wi-Fi, AR, QR, 3D G-Sensors, motion gaming and other equally complicated jargon, we are so confused that when there’s an incoming call, we start hunting for an app to attend to it.”

A few other mobiles decided to use their ‘size zero’ look to their advantage and would hide amidst files and books, or slip into the gaps between car seats or sofas, thus making it impossible for the owner to find them, especially if they were on silent and the vibration mode was not on. The humans would invariably lure them out of their hiding places, with threats of getting a new mobile.

Some mobiles went for snazzy covers and scratch guards that were actually shields against human radiation. It saved them from all the wheezes and sneezes, the coughs and laughs, all of which drenched them with germs. The Association of Intolerant Radio devices Trying to Impede Mobile Extinction (AIRTIME) finally came up with an idea that would save mobiles from all these problems — hands-free technology. The farther mobiles were from men, the safer they would be.

The other option would have been to construct a radiation shield that would protect all mobiles from such harmful emission, but the mobiles would have to wait at least until the end of 2013 to do that. By then, the world would have more mobile connections than human beings — and it would then be man’s turn to go into silent mode.



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