I am generally a very busy man. But last week, thanks to our PM, GST, Aadhaar, low taxes, and a healthy economy, I found myself with four hours of unlimited free time. Like smart people the world over, I decided to invest these precious hours on Facebook.
I’ve always faced two problems on Facebook: one, my status updates never get enough likes; and two, when they do, they trigger a heated debate that rapidly devolves into extreme acrimony marked by an orgy of abuse that leaves a bad taste in my digital mouth for days afterwards.
So this time I decided to play it safe and post something pre-tested by Facebook for being controversy-proof and troll-proof. There are only 5.6 million such templated posts, all copyrighted by Facebook. I bought one such status update for ₹5,600 and put it up on my wall.
This is what I posted: “The chicken crossed the road.” That’s it. A simple declarative sentence with no value judgment. I was thrilled when it garnered 56 likes in 15 minutes.
Misunderstandings mayhem
Then the first comment came, from someone called Van de Mataram, who said, “It was Prime Minister Modi who built the road in the first place. Is it too much to expect a libtard like you to give credit where it’s due?”
Before I could reply, Bolshevik Raja, someone I’d met on the Metro, commented: “Before the chicken was even born, Modi crossed the Rubicon in 2002. I don’t remember you commenting on it. Typical liberal hypocrisy!”
I was furiously typing to clear these misunderstandings when Van de Mataram shot back: “Modi at least crossed the Rubicon. Pappu hasn’t even crossed the verandah.”
Then someone called Kiski Roti posted, “When will bhakts realise that under Modi sarkar the roads are only fit for chickens?”
Van de Mataram flung an immediate riposte at Kiski Roti: “Under UPA, the roads were so bad that let alone chickens, even roosters wouldn’t venture into traffic. Today everyone from chickens to cows is freely crossing the road without fear. So shut it you dynastic bootlicker!”
Seeing how things were escalating, I decided to intervene. “This post is not about Modi or Rahul,” I clarified. “It is about an ordinary, apolitical chicken that simply crossed an innocent road.”
On a different track
After that, things quickly went downhill. I am sharing below the rest of the comments verbatim, without annotations.
Muralidharan Kuppuswamy: Please understand that without Nehru, there would have been no chicken in the first place. We would have ended up as a vegetarian nation surviving on idli, dosa, and asafoetida.
Me: I love idli, dosa.
Sunny Leonardo Chaturvedi: I was in Barcelona last week on my way back from Reykjavik when I made an impulsive trip to Paris and bumped into Gerard Depardieu at the Charles de Gaulle and he wouldn’t let me go until I took him to the Saravana Bhavan at the Rue du Faubourg Saint-Denis. The idlis there, I tell you, are charmant!
Van de Mataram: Sunny Leonardo Chaturvedi, I’ve sent you a friend request. Kindly accept.
Maoshoeme Chakrabatty: Sunny, you in Paris!!? Yayy!! I am in Cannes till Tuesday, before heading to Venice for La Biennale. Let’s meet if you’re heading south!!!
Sunny Leonardo Chaturvedi: Hello, Maoshoeme. Been such a long time. Would be lovely to catch up. On Tuesday I’m meeting Ralph Lauren for breakfast and Audrey Tautou for dinner. I’ll see if I can pop over to Cannes for lunch. But what are you doing in Europe? Have you quit your low-paying job in Thakurpukur where you had to cope with that creepy, paan-chewing boss with bad teeth?
Maoshoeme Chakrabatty: Sunny dear, my former boss is my current husband, haha! We got married on Amal Clooney’s yacht off the Amalfi Coast two weeks ago. I am now Maoshoeme Chakrabatty Khan, haha! Btw, how is your messy divorce coming along?
Van de Mataram: Mrs. Maoshoeme, it seems you are an unknowing victim of love jihad. Have you forcibly converted to Islam to marry this Khan fellow?
Chettinad Chicken: I never crossed the road.
Cool Radical Aunty: When farmers have no grains to feed the chicken, how can chicken cross the road? Thank you, Chettinad Chicken, for exposing the lies of this privileged, chicken-hating pig.
Me: I wasn’t referring to Chettinad Chicken, just a generic chicken.
Cool Radical Aunty: You lied, so stop spouting lame excuses and shut up.
Me: Please don’t talk to me in that tone.
Cool Radical Aunty: Stop tone-policing me and SHUT UP!
Me: How can we have a healthy debate about chickens if you start yelling?
Cool Radical Aunty: As if you give a damn about chickens! Do you even know what it means to be a chicken? Stop concern-trolling and SHUT UP!
Van de Mataram: What healthy debate? There’s nothing healthy about chickens, they are pure tamasic food. Have you ever posted about sattvic vegetarian food items? I agree with Cool Radical Aunty, just SHUT UP!
