Dear Oxford Dictionary , thank you for including 70 new Indian words in your esteemed book. Living in an age where every brave woman is washing dirty old men in public, we urge you to add the following as well.
The Weinstein Theory of Relativity:
This theory states that all men caught doing what they shouldn’t be doing are the same — insisting they are not the doers. All men caught in the red in the bed issue denials at the same speed, irrespective of the acceleration of accusations against them.
The Great Indian Grope Trick:
Closer home, this phrase describes the ability of human hands to turn into tentacles. The hands in question freely seek out anatomical features of the opposite sex, while the eyes to look piously detached. The best deterrent to the GIGT digits is the humble safety pin, a prick to deflate a prick, which, for best effect, needs to be inserted with passionate force into the wandering hand.
Lewdists:
The breed of low IQ males who stalk women online and on-lane. Their vocabulary is not much more developed than a bed bug’s: hissing, lewd remarks, name-calling and language learnt in the holes they’ve emerged from.
Bossteria:
The medical term used for bacteria which inflict the boss with hearing, speech and spatial disabilities. He confuses the word ‘No’ for the word ‘Yes’, though the two are distinctly different sounds. He is innocently incapable of staunching the flow of his raunchy jokes, even while his female colleagues squirm. He regularly invades the personal space of such colleagues with twitching eyebrows, knowing winks and unwelcome pats.
Gurunting:
A verb to define those who turn guru with ungodly intentions. It refers to those divine beings who promise to cure infertility through divine intervention (sometimes captured on CCTV). These godmen, being unselfishly feminist, allow only women into their inner circles, to share massages of love and light.
Beti Banao:
This phrase provides immediate recourse to anyone accused of molesting-sholesting. An immediate increase in the immediate family: she is my daughter, my mother, my sister, who are you to cast incestuous accusations at our sinless family relations? Of course, we were caught in bed — reading bedtime stories to her, what else do you think?
Moral-Polishing:
Finally, a submission for this word which summarises the selfless work done by those who do not allow men and women to hold hands in public, or women to wear anything other than double-thickness furnishing fabric, to avoid tempting the pure, lustless men listed above.
And mainly, dear Oxford Dictionary , kindly post these turds and phrases in a hall of shame of their own. Because nothing can legitimise them and nothing should. So that #MeToo becomes a phrase we’ll never have in the dictionary again.
Where Jane De Suza, the author of Happily Never After , talks about the week’s quirks, quacks and hacks
